Rumors of my death...

Heh. While none of those are circulating around as of yet, hopefully this will nip any in the bud. Yes, I am alive and at least doing somewhat better. But, for my own health reasons, I have withdrawn from all my classes this semester. So it puts me behind agian. So fucking what. I'll get my money back, I'll relax all summer, I'll get my enviroment CLEAN and defunktified, and I'll get my condition under control.

After all the stress of desiding whether or not to drop classes, I find now that I have I am looking forward to a summer of not having to worry about them. Maybe if I had been like a normal student and taken summers off all this time, I would be in better shape today. Stress can kill you, even when you are on happy little blue and white pills. But now, I have all summer, till mid August, to deal with my life. I plan to go see my grandparents and aunt and uncle, as well as spend allot of time with friends. Two of my closest just moved into a new house over the weekend, and I really am looking forward to seeing it for the first time, and helping them work on it when I can. Another friend is moving into town for school this fall, and I'm hoping her new proximity will make us better friends than we have been. Having female company is nice. Another thing I find myself looking forward to is spending allot more time with Rampway than I have been able to in the last semesters. Buck all but took over my job for a time being, and now its time for the L33t Technical Director to take back her mantle and throne, and claim what is rightfully hers once more.

Right now, I have only a few real things to worry about, and all of those are well... just sort of there. I have a doc appointment with Atwater tomorrow, to deal with all my new symptoms, and hopefully get things under control sooner, or send me to a doc who can deal with me in an efficent manner. I know I already have one round of alergy testing due up in late July, which I am not looking forward to, but hey, who the hell cares, its not like its the first time Ive ever had one done. The other worry, which really isnt, is trying to get back the other 22% of my tuition for this semester. I've got the paperwork already, I just need to fill it out and write up the "Personal Statement" (read: my sob story) and get one or more of my docs to back it up with some proof (ie, get my shrink and ent to say yes, stress makes asthma worse, and we dont know what caused hers yet, so lay the fuck off).

So today I'm going to spend working on the DAOC: OOTC website, as well as some other little projects, and start brainstorming new layouts for Rampway. With our new logo, the site needs an updated look to match. And I hope to be putting more time into this site, and coming up with some new things to add to here, as well as possibly bringing back some old things. Any ideas, loyal readers?

Neverwinter Nights

So I got my hands on Neverwinter Nights Friday. Mmmm. Once again, I can bring to life my old Forgotten Realms characters, and revamp them and update them for Third ed. Forgotten realms. Thus, Myrten (once Sylvanis), the wood elf ranger, runs the forests of the Western Heartlands once more, and hopefully my Shadow Adept Drow excile will return as well.

But best of all, and what I've been looking forward to, is the Toolset. I've already plotted out two modules in my head, and started work on one of them. They are going to take allot of work, but they will be allot of fun and well worth it.

mmmm.... NWN.....

When something happens.... It usually should have been expected

For over a week my body has been trying to tell me something. I, like a normal human being, ignored it utterly and went about my daily drugery oblivious to the plee for help from my interals. So, Thursday, as I'm truging between doctors offices at Peidmont hospital, it sends up the final warning flares. Within thirty minutes, im in the ER of Peidmont Hospital with a full blown asthma attack.

Lesson 1) Listen to your body when its trying to tell you something.

So what was my body trying to tell me? One, my basement and house are full of mold, dust, and crud, and Atlanta air is filthy. Two, no matter even if it is the first week of classes, if your sick, your sick, stay home and sleep as much as possible. Get well first, deal with academics second. Third - listen to your body when it bitches at you: the louder it bitches the worse the final outcome is going to be. Ow.

So exausted, sore, hungry, and generally shaken up about my life, I came home at 7:30 or so Thursday night, after having been in the ER since 1:30. I managed to drive home, clean my room a bit, change my sheets, eat, call my father and Erik before i passed out cold in bed to sleep (with some interuptions) until 4:00pm Friday. The largest of these interuptions being that Erik, having been in SC all week and expecting me Thursday night sometime, drove home to take care of me so my mother could go out of town this weekend. I love him. Hes too good to me sometimes.

Lesson 2) When trouble happens, reach out for those that can comfort you.

Just having Erik with me that first night helped me sleep. Tonight... Tonight is another story. I cant sleep. Ive tried. I'm too awake, with too many things going through my mind. Erik finally went to bed a few hours ago, and I tried to go to sleep with him. It didnt work. So here I am. I can already feel a bad wave of depression settling in on me, the lonely helpless feeling of just needing someone to tell me "Its all right, we'll take care of you" who I can beleive and trust and who can say it whenever i need to hear it. But I can't expect that of anyone. Everyone else has their own troubles beyond mine, and the last thing I should do is impose myself on them and their worries.

Lesson 3) Dont rely on everyone else for your support. Find a way to support yourself.

When I get scared and nervous and bad feeling, I get bitchy and naggy. I forget Ive asked a question twice before, and ask it again, I tend to nag and bitch and whine because frankly I dont want to be ignored. Its selfish. I know it is. But I've spent a lifetime being ignored and rejected when ever I've been ill, and it almost becomes a desperation for sympathy and notice when there is something seriously wrong. But I can't expect the level I expect and I know it.

Lesson 4) Sometimes, there are no answers.

Repost: Note to self...

Must remember to mention Erik in every blog.

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

You know, I started going to all these various different doctors to try to make myself better, what ever that means. So far.... one success, one partial, and one total failure.

The failure? ENT Doc, this guy has done nothing but X-ray my head (though those were cool looking), tell me there was nothing wrong with me serious enough to warent surgery, and give me a bottle of salt water for $16.50. The result of these treatments - Ive gone from mild symptoms of chronic sinus infection to constant nasal drainage, fevor (about 99, which is 2 degrees high for me), sore throat, and pounding sinus headaches 24/7. And this I have to deal with during the first week of classes? Someone kill me.

So yeah, ugh. I've gone through over a box of klenex and almost a whole package of them today in class, not to mention the shear ammount of toilet paper ive gone through. And to top it off, some people just dont think about how much fragrance they wear, and thats making it even worse.

I'm begining to hate doctors. I really really am.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled bloggage

Yep, classes have started, and with that sort of impossition of a regular schedule maybe this blog will get back on its feet again. Yeah right. Neverwinter Nights comes out today, I'm working on The Order of the Cross site allot more than this one. Hopefully maybe I'll get something fun up here soon... maybe... dunno.

I'm sick, I think, either that or I'm getting better from my chronic sinus problems. Who knows. All I know is I want to kill my ENT doc, and get my airways unblocked. ugh.

Headed back to SC Thursday night. Going to go see BJ and Chrissy and the lot of em.

Bored ferret