Depression

Anyone who knows me knows I dont use that word lightly. Depression is a serious thing - deadly serious. And I fear, once again, I am slipping under, down the long slopeing spiral that is the way down into its icy cold grip.

I'm angry at myself - angry just isnt the right word really. I'm disgusted, outraged, and frustrated with myself. And there is just nothing I can do to set things right it would seem. I don't really want to talk about what is going on - I'm too sick with myself to really say much about it, other than I need to just shut up, and quit saying things that piss people off when I am trying to do good. I should quit saying things at all.

What good is it to tell someone you will talk to them later, and you dont - and they never will believe you again. I was trying to be good, and all I do is fuck up. That's the story of my life. I should know better by now. But it would seem I am too stupid to learn. Stupid, thick skulled, and dumb.

I am sitting here, the only place I knew I could be alone, and not worry about other people showing up, in the dark. Both my forearms sting from where I've been digging the stubs of my fingernails into them. I'm really glad I cut my fingernails yesterday, or else I would be a bloody mess. There just seems to be no way to set things right - I can punish myself, but it is never enough, and no one else will punish me for what I have done wrong. Just saying I'm sorry is never enough for anyone... what else do you want from me? Take my blood, take my tears, make me suffer and hurt as I have made you suffer and hurt. But even that... How can it ever be enough?

Would even my death be enough to satisfy all the wrongs I have done you all? Take your pound of flesh, do unto me as I have done unto you, pluck out the eye that has ofended you. My soul would still hurt... still long for redemption.

And really, that is what this is all about: redemption and forgiveness. Some people I know turned back to religion seeking it... others have found ways to find it elsewhere. I wonder, I really do, if there is forgiveness for me? I feel like I have been asking this question over and over again. The only answer I get is a face turned away, unable or unwilling to answer.

We are imperfect creatures, made of flesh and blood and bone, and like all of that, we are easily broken, shattered, and spilled. We are flawed, imperfect, mockeries of what ever perfection there might be in the universe, grasping to understand and become something that is so far beyond us we can never, ever hope to understand it, let alone reach it. How could I hope to be anything better than the sum of my parts, the result of the products of my making?

Some how, I have to be. I have to be worthy of the love I have in my life, of my friends, of my family, of my partner. I have to find forgiveness, I have to find redemption, and stand clean in their eyes again. Though really... only one pair of hazel eyes maters to me. How you look at me, how you see me, love - nothing matters to me more. How can I ever ever be pure when I have sinned so much?

Can I ever?

Lonely Times

I'm sitting alone in a friend's condo. Everyone is gone, except me.

How long has it been since I have let myself be this alone? Too long. I have forgotten it, until now. The full moon shines outside, through a spattering of clouds, and all I can think of is how many windows I have watched it out of, looking up, alone. The run calls me, the howl of the lone wolf. How I miss that life - how I miss this life. This is what I have lost - this is what I have found.

I find myself waiting for the first cold snap and the first frost. I want to run bare foot across frosted fall leaves, breath the sweet bite of cold night air into my lungs, and run again like I was meant to. The dry cold of winter is comming. No more of this heat, no more of this humidity. Winter is the time of solace.

Irony, you are a bitter woman crying tears of sad joy. Is there any more hope, or any more time?

Conclusions about life

There is nothing more annoying than watching someone else go through the novelty of something that is old hat, and beyond, to you. The "look at this" gets annoying, especially when it interupts any attempt at doing anything else. Oy.

I'm tired. School is draining. Hate school. Want over. Arg.

Too many exams in one week will do this to you.

Sometimes I just wish people would realize when to shut up. Just because its nifty and novel to you, doesnt mean it is to me. Been there, done that, quite over it, thank you.

So I bought a shitload of books today. Mainly philosophy collections, and a few texts on Japanese history. Ledgends of the Samurai looks particularly interesting, through I dont know when I will have time to read it any time soon. *sighs*

Did I mention I'm tired?

Dragon Code Builder - JavaScript interface for Dragon Code 2.5

My Dragon Code (version 2.5): DC2.~Mpf/De Gf L3f W-- T~ Phwalt Sku,wk,ts Cbr ,ech-->ye,cmb-,pmb-,tbr-,wbr- B- A ! Fr^ Np M 10 O H $~ F--c R Ac J S U I # V [Polymorphism] Q ! E ! Df

About this Dragon Code - Build your own!

You are a Brujah!




A rebel with and without a cause, you belong to the clan of the Brujah. This clan is the muscle of the Camarilla and are always up for fights. However, you are difficult to control...especially since you tend to frenzy easier than most vampires. You are /the/ clan not to piss off or expect a missing limb.

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

Test Created By

..... not saying a word....