Academic embarasment.

The worst sort. Always. When you seek to be seen as an intelectual equal of those on a higher educational level than yourself, the chance of failing and looking like a fool increases the a group higher you seek to be accepted within.

Shame is not much of a component of academics, at least not openly. It is perhaps the most powerful tool of academic punishment available. And it is at its worst when we inflict it on ourselves.

Why can I not be happy being accepted as a top undergrad? Why do I seek aproval on a graduate level when I am not a graduate student?

Bedtime

Now, the question is... do electronic sheep dream of OpticPhiber Grass Feilds? Or, what exactly does grass taste like, in binary? What does it taste like in Analogue?
Digital Penguin, binary fish in digital streams?
Are krill 1's or 0's?

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"
"Jesus Christ! What the hell are they doing in my drive way?!"
". . . . . . . Oh, thank god, it's only penguins on the computer."
I go refill my gin.

I'm terrified of not being respected.
I'm terrified of being treated with respect that is false.
I'm terrified of not being treated with any respect.
I'm terrified of being respected for things I shouldn't be.
I'm terrified of not being respected for things I should be.
I'm terrified of loosing what respect I have earned.
I'm terrified of gaining respect I haven't earned.
I'm terrified of never being respected for anything.

I fear lies, I tell lies, I hate those who lie, I hate myself.

I fear being worthless... yet I fear ever having worth, for I may loose it.

And most importantly, how do I know I am worth something, that I am respected? And how do I know when that worth and that respect is false?

Should I feel rage at false respect? Should I feel rage at having my worth stolen?
Should I feel shame at having believed false praise and respect?

An exchange, trying to hide my depression in other people's levity

Hitler's a corpse now. Everyone's hotter than Hitler.
Hitler's in Hell now. No one's hotter than Hitler.
Unless it's Stalin.

Its been a while. But I have something to share. Something wonderful.

Other People's Stories - they move us, they inspire us, they confuse us, but all in all, this is probably the best web site I have encountered in a VERY long while.

Of particular interest - "The Worst Wedding Toast Ever" and "The Suit Gnome", both of which are wonderful stories in of themselves.

OokamiRyuu the Disturber of All Things Neat & Tidy...

There are many fun things here

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: High Maintenance

You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.
Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

I've had, for a long time now, a theory that each human being can be characterized by two pollar points - their Deadly Sin and their Cardinal Virtue. Each of us has one of each that we personify, that we are most subject to and influenced by.
I know mine very well. My Sin is Anger, my Virtue is Faith.
Usually, I have faith that the universe is as it should be, that all is well, that things will be as they are for their own reasons, and on this faith I accept the world, and live in it as I must. But sometimes, when something truely painful happens, I am overwhelmed by Anger, filled with it, and it overrides that Faith which has preserved me where others have fallen into dispair.
It is usually in matters of my own self worth that this is the case.
My ego is both very inflated and highly fraggile. I know this to be far too true. I search constantly for complements, for praise, for validation that I am worth something, that I am better than I see myself as being. Yet when I am critizised, directly or indirectly, it confirms for me what I fear, what I wish to deny more than anything, and the Wrath overtakes me, directed outwards at those who have hurt me. And then inwards at myself for my own reactions.
I know of few others who fall prey to Anger as I do, and few who have such open Faith as I do. I am, perhaps, extremes on the scale of both of these. Most people are beset by Pride or Envy, and offset it with Kindness, or Zeal, or even Self Control.
We are all beasts of the flesh, both good and evil in our ways.

I stood with two options, two different voices speaking to me, both of which I trust, and knew I had to make the decision I did not want to have to ever make. On the one hand, my loyalty and dedication seemed to have been rewarded with nothing. Perhaps it was time, the voice said, that I should bow out gracefully, and allow the new guard to take over my watch. New bloods, new ideas, new enthusiasm, all were better in the long run than my continued presence in the position. And I, as a member of the old guard, stuck solid in my ways, would only get in the way. On the other, a voice told me I was needed, still respected, and still welcomed in this place I have loved so much for so long. That there was a place of importance for me, where I would be able to work for the organization I loved, and still hold the same amount of respect I had before, but without the obligations attached to the position.
So the question was simple. Do I cut myself away from everything, because I have been denied something I felt was mine, loosing all the people I know and love working with at the organization because I feel I have lost the respect I had in my position. Or, do I swallow my pride, deny the shame I feel inside, and stay with these people, with this organization, that I hold so dear, no matter that I may grow bitter and resentful of my loss?
So I've made my choice.
I need to grow as a person, I need to focus on a lesson I have yet to master. And so, I stay with the organization which has been my suffering and my joy for three years, though my reward for loyalty was to be put aside in favor of someone new. But I will stay, and I will work, and I will do what I can. And while it is maybe not the most Ideal choice, it will be the best to help me grow in a way I need to. I can only hope my own weaknesses do not get in my way.

But I have also decided that I am going to spend more time working on my own site. Strixus.net has become very stagnant, and deserves more content, and more life. I need to find a purpose for it, other than this blog, and make it live as it should.

[edited for explination - i didnt feel I was clear enough before on why I did what i did - maybe now people will understand.]

Loyalty's only reward is pain.

Sometimes, pain is necissary. You simply have to know when it is and when it isn't.

Which OS are You?

Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust
Vampire Score: 0 WereWolf Score: 13 Mage Score: 10 Wraith Score: 4 Changeling Score: 0

After everything I just talked about - now this.
The universe either loves me or hates me - it doesn't matter, because I understand it now.

Once again, I have walked without hesitation over the edge of the cliff I cannot see beyond. The cliff is the moment of descision, a moment beyond my control, where I place my fate in the hands of some other, and with faith I pray that the universe will resolve it’s self into the form it was meant to take on. But that form may be the form I least desire, may be the form most harmful to me; but it will be, no matter what, the form the universe should take. And though I may not like it, it is as it was meant to be, and I must thus accept it, for there is no power of man nor god which can change the shape of the universe once it has happend. The past can never be changed, and we as products of our individual pasts can only change as our past lengthens and our future shortens.
The shape of the universe is something great and terrible; it is more horrifying and mind numbing than anything Lovecraft could have imagined, yet more beautiful and perfect than any fractal or flower. How we as simple mortal beings come to terms with this is a puzzle beyond reconing. Yet some of us do, and even a few of us begin to understand the glorious and horrible symitry of existence. And with that understanding comes the willingness to have faith, to walk off the cliff we cannot see beyond, and know that the outcome, no matter what it is, is what is meant to be. Because, sometimes, the universe means for us not to fall, and gives us wings to fly with. And when we fall, we know we fall because we were not meant to fly, and smile as the rocks below rise up to greet us.
This is the way of choise.

Fun With Measurements

For Wine:
1 butt == 2 hogsheads
1 hogshead == 2 barrels
1 barrel = 31.5 gallons

homestead : a historic unit of area in the United States, equal to 160 acres (64.75 hectares)

hundredweight (Cwt): a traditional unit of weight equal to 1/20 ton

Yep, way too much fun. Brought to you by How Many? A Dictionary of Units of Measurement

«Quell'anima là sù c'ha maggior pena»,
disse 'l maestro, «è Giuda Scariotto,
che 'l capo ha dentro e fuor le gambe mena.

De li altri due c'hanno il capo di sotto,
quel che pende dal nero ceffo è Bruto:
vedi come si storce, e non fa motto!;

e l'altro è Cassio che par sì membruto.


-Canto XXXIV: Lines 61-67,

Point and Counterpoint

"It is the natural order of the world that student succeeds master, and that a master gives way for the final advancement of their student." His eyes were calm, rational thought flowing behind them. "It is the final act of teaching, the unspoken lesson, where the master passes on to the student the one thing which must be learned, but can never be taught in any form but application. The student must become the master, and this can only happen when the master is displaced. But there are many ways to displace one's master, and this is the true point of the lesson you have taught me," he laughed. "The unsucsessful student simply waits for the master to pass on, taking no action to become a master until forced to. This student, while not a failure, may as well be one, for they have not learned the true lesson of mastery - control.
"So what then, does the successful student do? It is really, quite simple." Another laugh, a smile, and he continued. "Wait for a moment of weakness, and then strike. That is the lesson. Using public weakness is, perhaps, the most gratifing method, but not the most sure. When the master finds disfavor with their Lord, or the Lord finds disfavor with his people, use that disfavor against the master. Control the situation - use the weakness of the master to displace them. This, however, has the most chance of turning to bite the hand of the student, for the viper of public opinion is quick to change its target.
"So, private weakness is the best played upon. A moment when the armor is lowered, when the guard is let down - that is the moment that the student must wait for.
"Remember, it is not betrayal; it is the natural order of progression."

ytrihteerhttayadnom

What is left when honor is lost? - Desperation.

Damn pretty eclipse.

Fresh from The Matrix: Reloaded. Much talk of people not understanding it, not absorbing it all.
It. Made. Perfect. Complete. Logical. Sense.
I want to give my interpretations of it, but I don't want to spoil it for people. So if you haven't seen it, stop reading. Now. Ok, I really mean that. Stop reading. NOW. Ok. No, I mean it. Really. Stop reading.
*looks around* Ok, all clear.
Want to know why the movie makes sense? It’s simple, really, if you understand two points. First, the Matrix is a self perpetuating system with an almost perfect form of error handling - it monitors the one outlier in its system cannot handle already to determine how best to recreate its self in the next version. Every time this outlier occurs, i.e. there is a new "One" in the system, the impulse has been implanted both within the system, through the Oracle, and within the support system, Zion and the Prophecy, for "the One" to return to the source and be analyzed, and recreate the system and the support system in the new version. Secondly, Machines, in any form possible, are finite in terms of their understanding. There are, for machines, no matter how complicated, only numbers. Human beings are, in terms of behavior, nearly infinite in terms of statistical relations. Given enough time in such a system, a nearly infinite outlier will be observed in the data, a data point so outside the mean it is beyond the third or even fourth or fifth standard deviation of a data set. Theoretically, this is very easy for humans to understand - for a machine, this is impossible to understand, as it cannot be described by numbers, except perhaps by a probability so small it would be beyond the computing power of any system imaginable to process it to a precise enough point to be predicted as anything but a zero probability.
That outlier is Neo.
He is the system anomaly, yes, but a system anomaly severe that he was completely unpredicted. The Architect and the Oracle both function to upgrade and maintain the Matrix. The machines allow Zion to exist as the support system for "the One" when he occurs, a society founded by the previous "One" with the soul purpose of perpetuating the process of the error checking function that is the Prophecy. Then why destroy Zion again and again? Simple - free humans are dangerous, especially in large numbers. Thus, a continual cycle of purges occurs, with Zion purged every 60 to 70 years (just longer than the average human life span once freed from the Matrix), repopulated by the new "One" and his chosen.
Now, to the "problem of choice" which is so talked about in the movie. As I said before, humans have a fear of falsehood, that they are being manipulated in some way so that what they perceive is false. We are conditioned to never accept things when they seem too good, to doubt, to fear that which seems too perfect. Perhaps it is because we are terrified of disappointment. That is, quite possibly, the reason humans failed to accept the first Matrix, as Agent Smith describes in the first movie, and the Architect discusses in this. "The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from," according to Agent Smith. Humans could not accept perfection, thus, imperfections have to be continually added to the system to make it "real" to the human mind.
What the hell does this have to do with choice? Simple. Humans _HAVE_ to be free to fuck up their own lives, else we aren't truly free, and, thus, we are not happy. We have to have the illusion of free will, even if it means making a choice which will destroy us. And thus, the true flaw in what the Machines designed as their error mechanism becomes apparent - eventually, an outlier would arise that was _SO_ abhorrent to the forced choice of "save humanity, destroy humanity" that they would chose to destroy the whole of mankind rather than perpetuate the slavery of the human race in the illusion of freedom.
That outlier, as I said, is Neo.
There is, however, a truly terrifying implication that should not be overlooked. What if, in fact, Neo is not so totally outside of the system design at all? What if, instead, he is the ultimate purge system? Just as Zion is purged every 60 to 70 years, what if the Matrix is purged every, say, 600 or 1000 years? A total system shutdown, the purge of all elements within the system (humans), and a sort of full reset initialized, allowing the system to reestablish it’s self in fresh soil, as it were. If there have been six versions of the Matrix, then it must be nearly due for the first purge. Fresh human stock could be started from scratch, more than likely from whatever stock new humans are inserted into the existing system already, and the world reset back to the starting point of its timeline. The Architect claims he designed the Matrix. But this may be the ultimate result of the Oracle’s error correction system, and nothing he designed. Outliers, are, after all, nearly impossible to predict in a system.
Ok, with all of this, and the creepy feeling of the plug back in my skull coming on again, I have one last thing to say. It was pointed out to me the reason we have the fear of the falseness of reality. If our perceptions are false, then what we do does not have any impact. Including reproduction. No reproduction, no passing of on genes, no self perpetuation. That is the source of the fear. Strangely logical.
So what will happen? Neo has, obviously, thrown himself back into the Matrix somehow in his coma. So has Bane, the “host” of Agent Smith (now obviously gone viral), who was the source of the aberrant emp which cost humanity the battle for Zion. The battle in the city will happen. The storm will range, and darkness will cover everything within the Matrix, as it does Earth. What will become of this?
All I know is that the storm rages. And all things which have a beginning, also have an end. The end is coming.

Total Hentai
What Kind of a Hentai Yaoi Freak are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
We needed a Quiz for this? Oy!

I still remember going to see The Matrix in the theater, back in 1999. I wasn't there on opening day, or even opening week - I saw it on second run, or near about, by myself, in the little dump of a movie theater in my neighborhood, with its crappy sound, even worse projector, and very sticky floors. But I walked out of the theater with a feeling I couldn't shake: I could almost feel the plug on the back of my skull, and the warm gel of my pod surrounding me. I had goose bumps to the point my goose bumps had goose bumps. Seeing the movie alone, I had felt as though I had been sucked into the world of The Matrix, without an anchor of reality to keep me from loosing perspective. Within my own mind, I started to wonder and doubt the very nature of the reality around me.
In his Meditations, Descartes put forward the idea of the Evil Genius, which it is at least possible that there is an all-powerful evil genius who is deceiving us continually. "I shall then suppose, not that God who is supremely good and the fountain of truth, but some evil genius not less powerful than deceitful, has employed his whole energies in deceiving me...and if this means it is not in my power to arrive at the knowledge of any truth, I may at least do what is in my power [i.e. suspend my judgment], and with firm purpose avoid giving credence to any false thing, or being imposed upon by this arch-deceiver, however powerful and deceptive he may be." Is there any better crystallization of the human fear that what we experience, from the input of our senses to the very foundations of our understanding of reality, is somehow false, and that somehow, we are being manipulated or deceived to believe other than what is? Humans have always feared this, from our fear of Dreams to our fear of Death, and even our continual doubt in the nature of the universe. That we even can ask the question "Is what I see what really is?" speaks volumes about the nature of the abstract reasoning ability of the human mind.
There is a “philosophical warning label,” that goes something along the lines of “The reader is advised that he or she may be subject to an illusion generated by an evil genius, and that his or her "sensory fibers" may be falsely manipulated at any time with neither advance warning nor any possible legal remedy.” This is meant, yes, as a joke, a play on the inherent paranoia that comes with exploring the Evil Genius hypothesis. But it has a very serious implication, one that should not be overlooked: nothing should ever be taken at face value, not even data from our own senses. Is something really as we see it, or is it parallax, or gravitational lensing, or our own perceptions distorting what we observe? The Matrix reminds us to do the same, to question the nature of reality – the nature of the system. And, as with any system it has rules, and these rules are, as Morpheus says to Neo, “no different than the rules of a computer system - some of them can be bent...others can be broken.”
I wonder if this lesson will be continued in the second of these movies. The general public has been too well conditioned to take things on face value, to rely on the input of “experts” and “professionals” and I fear for the possible dumbing down of the lesson that the Wachowski brothers tried so hard to convey in the first move for the sake of more box office draw. We shall see on Thursday when I go see it. This time, on opening day.

Why am I still awake? I was so tired earlier, and now, I am awake again.
That thing below came out of watching the second to last episode of Trigun, and thinking just how much like Roland Vash is. Or is it the other way around. But Roland will kill, Vash will not.
Sinners, saints - does it really make a diference?
Watching Reign now. "The existence of all things is but a reflection of its most perfect form." But, as I say over and over, that Most Perfect Form is an illusion we have blinded ourselves with. Yet in this case, Illusion is as Real as Existence.
The strange thing is, I am making real sense. If only I can find what I am looking for, then all will be well again in the world. If I cling to that illusion, maby then I can make it Real.

[Vash walkes into the desert, Wolfwood's cross strapped to his back, the twin suns blazing overhead.]
(April is the cruellest month, breeding)
that - that was how the Jesus man walked - walked into the desert
Claim what you will, this is the way the world turns, the wheel around the spoak that is the Tower.
(Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing)
"'Thou shall not kill' remember?! What kind of church man are you anyway??"
[Of course its heavy, its filled with mercy...]
The man in black fled across the desrt, and the gunslinger followed.
"We're nothing like God. Not only do we have limited powers, we sometimes are driven to become the devil himself."
(Memory and desire, stirring)
"And if you keep your vision clear, you will see the future. What happens in our future is our own responsiblity."
Go then, there are other worlds than these.
[Paradise, Sin, Live Through, Under the Endless Blue Sky....]
(Dull roots with spring rain.)
"No one has the right to take the life of another..."


-- With apologies to Stephen King, Trigun, and Other various sources.

Strange. To feel like a Real Academic today. Ran into an old professor of mine, who I had not seen in a long while. The one who I had for intro to Philosophy back in spring of 2000. So long ago. But I wasn't just a past student, I was almost... well, and equal. It was nice. Had dinner at the resturant we ran into each other at. Long talk over duck and ginger beef.
Wonderful.
One day, I will be in the company of fellow academics, and feel that I am on equal ground with all of them. Not an undergrad, or a grad student - but a Real Academic.

.....
OMG
Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth

I'm a Depth Charge, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!

The world swims. Is it the caffeen, the lack of sleep, or am I feeling the universe shift? Heart pounding, hands shaking. The worst is over, the worst is yet begun.
Come walk with me, and I will show you the edge of the universe. Because that is where I walk, letting the razor edge of infinity slice my feat. Go fucking figgure.

This is possibly one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

Hypercube: The generalization of a 3-cube to n dimensions, also called a measure polytope. It is a regular polytope with mutually perpendicular sides, and is therefore an orthotope.

As ugly a description as could be imagined - for a beautiful and entrancing form, with a truly beautiful name, the tesseract.

A Conversation in Responce

StrixusOokami: there is a third fear youre failing to express...
StrixusOokami: that when you look inside.. youll find both the monster and the weakness.... and that they are really the same thing
damien667: Yeah. That's preferable to just the one, though....
StrixusOokami: i dont think one exists without the other.
StrixusOokami: not and have you still aware that there is the other
damien667: yeah...
StrixusOokami: but are they separate, working appart... or are they the same thing...
StrixusOokami: thats an answer i dont have, even for myself
StrixusOokami: and youre like the rest of Us... you want too much from this flat universe. you want what you know is really there... but no one else sees. and you cant make it be seen... because to the rest of the universe.. its Not there
damien667: *sigh*
damien667: yeah
StrixusOokami: what you have to come to terms with is that there are only a few of us who even realize that extra layer of meaning is there... and that we are all struggling with being unable to express it, and to let it express its self through us...
StrixusOokami: and each of us was designed... maybe that isnt the right word... to have Purpose. And for some reason, that Purpose is being blocked from us
damien667: Well... lessons do need to be learned.
damien667: Plus people are bastards
StrixusOokami: *nods*
StrixusOokami: I've resigned myself to wait. I know our time will come. And we can teach them then. And if they dont learn... then they die
damien667: that's about the size of it, yeah
StrixusOokami: and one way or another... when its over... we get to go back Home
damien667: Yeah

Fool's Paradise

So this is what it means. I have to wonder, thought, if this is _really_ what it means, or if this is just the meaning I want to construct from it. One way or another, it doesn't matter. Because meaning, like everything else, is as temporary and fleeting as the wind. But, like the wind, it can change everything it touches. Belief shapes the world, yet it changes as rappidly as the weather. I believe, I do not believe - I do not choose, I am choice.

This is my fool's paradise, this ambiguity of meaning and purpose. This is where I live, wanting nothing more than the simplicity of what is here. This is how I understand the world, how I deal with it, how I cope. Maybe the world is more sinister, maybe it is more innocent; to me, I only see the ever changing and shifting focus point of decisions and being. Each choice, conscious or unconscious, changes us, and changes the next choice we make. Maybe the world is more complicated than that - but it seems to work, so I follow my theory. Even if I do it blindly.

Maybe the blind are the most happy. There is no dark, there is no light, not even the gray of in-between. Maybe that is how it should be. There is no darkness, there is no light, there is nothing in between. There is only what is. Maybe... maybe that's how it should be.

I do only what I can do, work only as hard as I can work, and what comes of things is what was meant to come of things. We are free to choose our futures, yet slaves to ourselves in the choice.

Free will is the ultimate imprisonment.

Ask the Magic Cactus a question

I asked the magic cactus, Will I graduate in three semesters and THE MAGIC CACTUS SAID TO ME: There are more penguins behind this conspiracy than you know. They know whats going on. Why don't you ask them? reality subversion @ www.irreality.org.uk

Reign

Oh, legend of fate, Oh, hero of late
Don't let them trap you, Use their control
Seek out a kingdom, Worthy of your soul

King over empires, Tears fall and cold
Unquenchable thirst For ambition grows

With no words left to Make all your own
Liquid and melting As the oracle told

Oh, legend great, Oh, hero of late
Don't let the chance To take this control
Seek out a kingdom Worthy of your soul

Torn between lovers, Ashes is your price
Fleeting youth of glory Burning in your eyes

Hot blood and passion Pumping in your heart
Divine intervention As the oracle cries

Oh, legend great, Oh, hero of late
Don't let the chance to take this control
Seek out a kingdom Worthy of your soul

Its weird, trying to work out emotions and loyalties and friendships. People complicate life, and the closer you let someone get, the more they complicate things. Competition, even when it doesnt mean to be competition, happens, and it can shatter things without anyone realizing it. Jelousy, envy, spite, bitterness - all these things are waiting in the shadows. Should I worry about them, try to prevent them? But even if I do, it really will be the outcome of things that determines if jelousy and envy of someone was a productive motivator.
I wonder, I really do, what the shape of my life will be this time next year, when I graduate.

Its nice to know my subconscience is working things out on its own. I just really wish it would do it in a way that was at least semi-transparent to me once I wake up.

Another night full of strange dreams, and this time I can't blame alcohol for them. Dreams of a mannor, with a cherry orchard, and the people who were its caretakers. I was visiting, a possible trainee for the job of caretaker sometime far in the future, when the current care taker, an old man with a long white beard, finally stepped down or died. Roaming around the mannor, learning its secrets.
Finding the Chess Game, a giant chess board with each peice hidden somewhere in the mannor, having to solve puzzles to find each peice, and assemble the board for a game. I remember one of the riddels verry clearly - a statue with a circle cut into thirds carved on its forehead. The answer was to trace each line, from right to left, and say "Athens, Atlantis, Rome" - the supposed population orders of the three great cities. The statue then opened to reveal a peice - I think it was a pawn.
The cleaning girl was someone I had known once in my past, now grown, and working at the place. She was dressed like a gypsy, covered in scarves and long veils in reds and yellows from head to toe. She was forever on the move, cleaning and looking for things to do.
Someone else was there as well... someone from everyday life. I remember him being there as either my guest or as having been invited along with me. The care taker being angry because he was "sleeping in the wrong beds" and I had to tell him to stop, but could never find him to tell him. Then him helping me with the Chess Game, each of us finding peices. And then he was gone again, as I spent the evening looking into magic tiffany lamps that embeded you into the images projected by their glass.
Before I woke, I found him the the basement movie theater of the Mannor, the old mannor chappel which had been converted, showing WWII commedy movies on reel film. "I knew I would find you here," I said, but I had searched all over before I had followed the gypsy girl there.

Strange dreams. I wish I knew what they meant.

"...if you have never spent whole afternoons forgetting the world around you over a book, forgetting cold and hunger-- if you have never wept bitter tears because a wonderful story has come to an end and you must take your leave of the characters with whom you have shared so many adventures, whom you have loved and admired, for whom you have hoped and feared, and without whose company life seems empty and meaningless-- you probably won't understand what Bastian did next."
-- Michael Ende, Neverending Story

There are some things we should always remember.... and some things we should never, ever forget.

So yes, its official, the semester is over. Yay. But with that comes the various stresses I was looking to put off until later - i.e. till the end of the semester. Now what do I do?

I have a week till the maymester starts, and a month till the full summer semester starts. *sighs* So many things to be worried about, so little time to worry, so little gratification from worrying about them at all. And to top it off... no, nevermind, I'm not going to talk about that here.

Hell with it, I guess I should.

I admit, I have my flaws and weaknesses. I'm a slob, tried and true. My room is a mess, and I purposfully avoid cleaning it. My person is a mess, and on average I take pretty shitty care of myself. The reason, and I try to explain this to people, is that the alternative is something even more unplesant - the neat freak in me takes over and everything and everyone around me must be spotlessly clean. And that, unfortunately, is not an option in the house I live in, thanks to the state of things. So, I do my best to ignore it all.

*sighs* I'm just making excuses. I guess I'll go home and clean in a few hours, and then shower. To what good it will do, I don't know, but, it's worth a shot.

"She looked confused, like a penguin in death valley."

Yes, I'm drunk. Very drunk. Happy birthday brad. Heh.
So yes, umm... forgot what I was going to say. Drunk good.