I'm a Depth Charge, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!

The world swims. Is it the caffeen, the lack of sleep, or am I feeling the universe shift? Heart pounding, hands shaking. The worst is over, the worst is yet begun.
Come walk with me, and I will show you the edge of the universe. Because that is where I walk, letting the razor edge of infinity slice my feat. Go fucking figgure.

This is possibly one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

Hypercube: The generalization of a 3-cube to n dimensions, also called a measure polytope. It is a regular polytope with mutually perpendicular sides, and is therefore an orthotope.

As ugly a description as could be imagined - for a beautiful and entrancing form, with a truly beautiful name, the tesseract.

A Conversation in Responce

StrixusOokami: there is a third fear youre failing to express...
StrixusOokami: that when you look inside.. youll find both the monster and the weakness.... and that they are really the same thing
damien667: Yeah. That's preferable to just the one, though....
StrixusOokami: i dont think one exists without the other.
StrixusOokami: not and have you still aware that there is the other
damien667: yeah...
StrixusOokami: but are they separate, working appart... or are they the same thing...
StrixusOokami: thats an answer i dont have, even for myself
StrixusOokami: and youre like the rest of Us... you want too much from this flat universe. you want what you know is really there... but no one else sees. and you cant make it be seen... because to the rest of the universe.. its Not there
damien667: *sigh*
damien667: yeah
StrixusOokami: what you have to come to terms with is that there are only a few of us who even realize that extra layer of meaning is there... and that we are all struggling with being unable to express it, and to let it express its self through us...
StrixusOokami: and each of us was designed... maybe that isnt the right word... to have Purpose. And for some reason, that Purpose is being blocked from us
damien667: Well... lessons do need to be learned.
damien667: Plus people are bastards
StrixusOokami: *nods*
StrixusOokami: I've resigned myself to wait. I know our time will come. And we can teach them then. And if they dont learn... then they die
damien667: that's about the size of it, yeah
StrixusOokami: and one way or another... when its over... we get to go back Home
damien667: Yeah

Fool's Paradise

So this is what it means. I have to wonder, thought, if this is _really_ what it means, or if this is just the meaning I want to construct from it. One way or another, it doesn't matter. Because meaning, like everything else, is as temporary and fleeting as the wind. But, like the wind, it can change everything it touches. Belief shapes the world, yet it changes as rappidly as the weather. I believe, I do not believe - I do not choose, I am choice.

This is my fool's paradise, this ambiguity of meaning and purpose. This is where I live, wanting nothing more than the simplicity of what is here. This is how I understand the world, how I deal with it, how I cope. Maybe the world is more sinister, maybe it is more innocent; to me, I only see the ever changing and shifting focus point of decisions and being. Each choice, conscious or unconscious, changes us, and changes the next choice we make. Maybe the world is more complicated than that - but it seems to work, so I follow my theory. Even if I do it blindly.

Maybe the blind are the most happy. There is no dark, there is no light, not even the gray of in-between. Maybe that is how it should be. There is no darkness, there is no light, there is nothing in between. There is only what is. Maybe... maybe that's how it should be.

I do only what I can do, work only as hard as I can work, and what comes of things is what was meant to come of things. We are free to choose our futures, yet slaves to ourselves in the choice.

Free will is the ultimate imprisonment.

Ask the Magic Cactus a question

I asked the magic cactus, Will I graduate in three semesters and THE MAGIC CACTUS SAID TO ME: There are more penguins behind this conspiracy than you know. They know whats going on. Why don't you ask them? reality subversion @ www.irreality.org.uk

Reign

Oh, legend of fate, Oh, hero of late
Don't let them trap you, Use their control
Seek out a kingdom, Worthy of your soul

King over empires, Tears fall and cold
Unquenchable thirst For ambition grows

With no words left to Make all your own
Liquid and melting As the oracle told

Oh, legend great, Oh, hero of late
Don't let the chance To take this control
Seek out a kingdom Worthy of your soul

Torn between lovers, Ashes is your price
Fleeting youth of glory Burning in your eyes

Hot blood and passion Pumping in your heart
Divine intervention As the oracle cries

Oh, legend great, Oh, hero of late
Don't let the chance to take this control
Seek out a kingdom Worthy of your soul

Its weird, trying to work out emotions and loyalties and friendships. People complicate life, and the closer you let someone get, the more they complicate things. Competition, even when it doesnt mean to be competition, happens, and it can shatter things without anyone realizing it. Jelousy, envy, spite, bitterness - all these things are waiting in the shadows. Should I worry about them, try to prevent them? But even if I do, it really will be the outcome of things that determines if jelousy and envy of someone was a productive motivator.
I wonder, I really do, what the shape of my life will be this time next year, when I graduate.

Its nice to know my subconscience is working things out on its own. I just really wish it would do it in a way that was at least semi-transparent to me once I wake up.

Another night full of strange dreams, and this time I can't blame alcohol for them. Dreams of a mannor, with a cherry orchard, and the people who were its caretakers. I was visiting, a possible trainee for the job of caretaker sometime far in the future, when the current care taker, an old man with a long white beard, finally stepped down or died. Roaming around the mannor, learning its secrets.
Finding the Chess Game, a giant chess board with each peice hidden somewhere in the mannor, having to solve puzzles to find each peice, and assemble the board for a game. I remember one of the riddels verry clearly - a statue with a circle cut into thirds carved on its forehead. The answer was to trace each line, from right to left, and say "Athens, Atlantis, Rome" - the supposed population orders of the three great cities. The statue then opened to reveal a peice - I think it was a pawn.
The cleaning girl was someone I had known once in my past, now grown, and working at the place. She was dressed like a gypsy, covered in scarves and long veils in reds and yellows from head to toe. She was forever on the move, cleaning and looking for things to do.
Someone else was there as well... someone from everyday life. I remember him being there as either my guest or as having been invited along with me. The care taker being angry because he was "sleeping in the wrong beds" and I had to tell him to stop, but could never find him to tell him. Then him helping me with the Chess Game, each of us finding peices. And then he was gone again, as I spent the evening looking into magic tiffany lamps that embeded you into the images projected by their glass.
Before I woke, I found him the the basement movie theater of the Mannor, the old mannor chappel which had been converted, showing WWII commedy movies on reel film. "I knew I would find you here," I said, but I had searched all over before I had followed the gypsy girl there.

Strange dreams. I wish I knew what they meant.

"...if you have never spent whole afternoons forgetting the world around you over a book, forgetting cold and hunger-- if you have never wept bitter tears because a wonderful story has come to an end and you must take your leave of the characters with whom you have shared so many adventures, whom you have loved and admired, for whom you have hoped and feared, and without whose company life seems empty and meaningless-- you probably won't understand what Bastian did next."
-- Michael Ende, Neverending Story

There are some things we should always remember.... and some things we should never, ever forget.

So yes, its official, the semester is over. Yay. But with that comes the various stresses I was looking to put off until later - i.e. till the end of the semester. Now what do I do?

I have a week till the maymester starts, and a month till the full summer semester starts. *sighs* So many things to be worried about, so little time to worry, so little gratification from worrying about them at all. And to top it off... no, nevermind, I'm not going to talk about that here.

Hell with it, I guess I should.

I admit, I have my flaws and weaknesses. I'm a slob, tried and true. My room is a mess, and I purposfully avoid cleaning it. My person is a mess, and on average I take pretty shitty care of myself. The reason, and I try to explain this to people, is that the alternative is something even more unplesant - the neat freak in me takes over and everything and everyone around me must be spotlessly clean. And that, unfortunately, is not an option in the house I live in, thanks to the state of things. So, I do my best to ignore it all.

*sighs* I'm just making excuses. I guess I'll go home and clean in a few hours, and then shower. To what good it will do, I don't know, but, it's worth a shot.

"She looked confused, like a penguin in death valley."

Yes, I'm drunk. Very drunk. Happy birthday brad. Heh.
So yes, umm... forgot what I was going to say. Drunk good.