Academic embarasment.

The worst sort. Always. When you seek to be seen as an intelectual equal of those on a higher educational level than yourself, the chance of failing and looking like a fool increases the a group higher you seek to be accepted within.

Shame is not much of a component of academics, at least not openly. It is perhaps the most powerful tool of academic punishment available. And it is at its worst when we inflict it on ourselves.

Why can I not be happy being accepted as a top undergrad? Why do I seek aproval on a graduate level when I am not a graduate student?

Bedtime

Now, the question is... do electronic sheep dream of OpticPhiber Grass Feilds? Or, what exactly does grass taste like, in binary? What does it taste like in Analogue?
Digital Penguin, binary fish in digital streams?
Are krill 1's or 0's?

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"
"Jesus Christ! What the hell are they doing in my drive way?!"
". . . . . . . Oh, thank god, it's only penguins on the computer."
I go refill my gin.

I'm terrified of not being respected.
I'm terrified of being treated with respect that is false.
I'm terrified of not being treated with any respect.
I'm terrified of being respected for things I shouldn't be.
I'm terrified of not being respected for things I should be.
I'm terrified of loosing what respect I have earned.
I'm terrified of gaining respect I haven't earned.
I'm terrified of never being respected for anything.

I fear lies, I tell lies, I hate those who lie, I hate myself.

I fear being worthless... yet I fear ever having worth, for I may loose it.

And most importantly, how do I know I am worth something, that I am respected? And how do I know when that worth and that respect is false?

Should I feel rage at false respect? Should I feel rage at having my worth stolen?
Should I feel shame at having believed false praise and respect?

An exchange, trying to hide my depression in other people's levity

Hitler's a corpse now. Everyone's hotter than Hitler.
Hitler's in Hell now. No one's hotter than Hitler.
Unless it's Stalin.

Its been a while. But I have something to share. Something wonderful.

Other People's Stories - they move us, they inspire us, they confuse us, but all in all, this is probably the best web site I have encountered in a VERY long while.

Of particular interest - "The Worst Wedding Toast Ever" and "The Suit Gnome", both of which are wonderful stories in of themselves.