i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
i'm going under

Being dragged under by someone else's deperssion is an unfortunate side effect of the sort of person I am. I feel helpless, yet repsoncible to fix the problems, and constantly torn between my emotional and rational logic centers. There is nothing I can do to help, yet I feel I should be able to. I feel guilty for not being able to act, for not being in the same situation, for never having faced the same problems. On the other hand, I know these are all irrational things to think - if I can't do something, I can't and no ammount of feeling bad will change that. I can't change someone's luck or life to magically make everything better.

Yet I feel nausious, anxious, sick to my soul with the fact I can't do anything. I want to help - I need to help. I should be able to help. But... I can't.

And even if I did.. whoes to say it wouldnt come to be resented?

Long weekend. I wolnt go into it here.

My replacement DVD drive came, and I now have it installed. It looks a bit strange in my laptop case, namely because the door is totally different, and doenst fit in the curve of the case (something I may look into doing this weekend is switching out the doors), nor is it the same gray/black color as the rest of my case. But it Works, and thats what matters. Install was relativly painless, expcept for one jumper problem and the realization that yes, my case really was bent in the fall it took two weeks ago.

Overall, this has been an excelent system, dispite its problems (the nvidia centeric gaming world out there not is helping matters), and I still may go with a dell the next time I buy a laptop. Its showing its age, but its been good to me, and I think its got at least another year, if not longer, life left in it, assuming nothing else breaks or burns out on it.

Oy. So anyway. Its finals week, and I'm sort of sitting on my thumbs till thursday when BOTH of my finals are. I got to exempt one of them, but that wasnt a big deal. Still, two finals on one night suck ass.

I need to continue to work on my site redesigns. Nightmare still looks a little hokey, primarily due to the background and table combinations, not to mention the whole centered table thing which is bugging me more and more. But the backend its running is wonderful, perfect for what I needed. Still have a few fics I need to get up, but those are going to require some major editing to get into chapter form.

Next on my list is the REST of my site, which desperately needs a redesign. Any ideas would be apreciated.

A Short Ficklet, entitled...
"... And they all lived happily ever after."

Vash was finishing reading a story to the children who had gathered around him. The tall blond man was like a magnet for them, Wolfwood thought, something he could never explain with any logic. By all reason, they should be running in terror from the Humanoid Typhoon - but so should anyone else with reason. There was a scatter of youthfull giggles, and Vash laughed along with them.

"Children, time for dinner!" The call of their mother came from the next room over of the family run inn. The children, as a whole, groaned, and rolled their eyes.

"Now now," Vash said, his tone mockly serious, "You shouldn't ever disrespect your elders." Still reluctant, the children scampered off to eat, except for one little girl, who stayed close to Vash's knee.

"Mr. Vash, sir, I have a question." She looked up with very large, blue eyes.

"What, oh most dear child?" His smile was infectious.

"Did they really live happily ever after? Forever?"

"Yes, absolutely. That's what happily ever after means." Vash's smile was sweet, open, and, in Wolfwood's eyes, completely empty of real emotion. He tries so hard, he thought to himself, am I the only one who sees it? The little girl scampered away to join her brothers and sisters at dinner, pleased at the happy ending confirmed.

With all the children gone from the room, Wolfwood pulled out a crumpled cigarette and lit it, sighing.

"You know lying is a sin," he said around it, "Especially lying to children." He exhailed a slow stream of hazy smoke. "There's no such thing as happily ever after."

Vash visually crumpled within his red leather trench coat, as though all the false happiness which had suddenly drained from him had deflaited him as well.

"I know. But its nice to believe in something, even if it doesn't exist."

You can call us freaks
but we're your new age heros
it all comes down
to the ones and zeros
open your eyes, I think that you'll see
you are exactly what we want you to be
so go Silicon tonight
the electrons taking flight...

The code is filling my head, burning out all logical thought. Relations are reduced to pointers to pointers, somehow leading into the data through the labrynth of digital symbolism I'm so close to being there, but so far, and I understand the frustration of having the ultimate form of reason just beyond my grasp. A tool I could shape the world with, break it and remake it with, and yet I can only begin to understand the power I have tapped into....

. and I'll only dream
. of Silicon Gene
. the way that she seemed
. and what it would mean to be made of light
. I won't think about you tonight

Working, struggling, seeking help, finding it. Being grateful, learning, embracing, struggling against my own ignorance as an insult to those who teach me. I will learn this, I will master this as much as I am capable of. The world wizzes by in snips of C++ and PHP, lost somewhere between the SQL Queries and the thumping power of the music in my ears. I'll only dream ... of this silicon gene.

I live for electric piracy
it's my new religion
high technology
one twenty-eight bit encryption
in just another minute I'll be bigger than god
intelligence is supreme...
I bow my head, and pay my tithe
to the church of the machine

Worship, worship, for this is the church of the L33t, and all of those who strive must bleed and suffer and break ourselves over our own igrnorance. We code till our fingers bleed, our mind becomes numb to human language, and all that matters is the logic. All things are logic, and illogic is the ultimate taboo. Learn, understand, be. This is what it means to be Geek. Your soul is electrons, slowly becoming one with the machine you are tied to. The Machine is Life, and lifes blood is the many em feilds wich flux around you, through you. Being alive is being another peice of software and hardware interacting. This is life. This is living.

you can lock us away but that won't stop us
it all comes down to technological progress
virtual light over a digital night
the future is bright
and we're taking flight

Worship us, for we rule. Worship us, for we learn, where others hide. We control, yet we are controled. These machines we tie ourselves to become us, and we become them. And in this parisidic symbiosis, we learn to be what we could not be. Extentions of reality, beings of pure rational thought, logic to the extream, our blood now flowing in circutry streams of electron light. This is what we are. The fiber is our medium, we sail on wings of encoded light, and breath the atmosphere of phosphor and photon. This is a dream we can never awake from. For it is the dream of reality.

The fork is under my pillow... but the cables entangle me in my sleep, grasping for my throat, seeking to free me from this shell of carbon atmos and sugars chains. The Digital is caling the Analog, and I am trapped between the two relms, lost in the sea of code.

Its a strange thing, this end of semester.

I have work I need to do. I have a paper I am in the middle of writing, a program I am in the middle of trying to finish, and a database project I (I wolnt lie) havent started on.

The paper is due Tuesday by noon. The Database project is due Monday by 4:30. The Program is due tomorrow at 7:45. What am I working on - the paper. I'm so ass backwards.

But its what I can get my brain around right now. The paper is flowing, in fits and spurts, and it is a page and a half from its minimum of seven pages, and should cap out at about 8 if I am lucky.

The code is sitting stagnant because I keep breaking it whenever I try to move some thigns around that need to be moved. The interface code, written first, doesnt like the new main, and thus, keeps breaking for no real reason. So... I have to wait for this evening to get some help with it.

The database project. I am being lazy. I need to do it. I will try to get it done tomorrow before class if I get the code done tonight.

I have a creaping fear that some really bad news is coming. I know its not the Worst news, but its going to be Bad news. And its going to make things really strange soon. And I worry. I really do. I have to keep myself from trying to pry into things and find out what is going on ahead of time. That would be rude, so I wolnt do it. But I hate knowing there is bad news coming and not knowing what it is.

God damn, I wish my prozac would kick in so I could calm down.

Back to working on paper. Gods of academica, save me.

The rules of Living Life:

1) Love before all else.

2) Others before yourself.

3) Do as you would have others do.

4) Accept change - change is life.

5) Do not choose for others when they can for themselves.

6) Work to change only what you can change.

7) If there is a second chance, then take it, and do not let the first failure slow you down.

There is still some spine left in the technical Academic world

Boston College and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, citing concerns about student privacy, moved yesterday to quash subpoenas issued by the recording industry to discover the identities of students the industry says are illegally distributing copyrighted music.

The moves represent one of the first major obstacles for the recording industry in its campaign against ordinary computer users who share copyrighted music. Jonathan Lamy, a spokesman for the Recording Industry Association of America, said he was disappointed and vowed legal action to obtain the information.

''These universities have chosen to litigate this in an attempt to deny copyright holders the right so clearly granted in Congress,'' Lamy said, referring to the colleges' refusal to release the names of the students.

MIT and Boston College yesterday said that they support the rights of copyright holders and would comply with any subpoena that addressed their concerns about the proper notification of students and was filed ''properly'' in US District Court in Massachusetts, not in Washington D.C.

Where are you, Nessus?

Having my life simultainiously eaten by papers, final projects, code work, and god only knows what else.

Someone just kill me now, please.

the porcupine of pain are both pink, yellow, and orange, all in neon shades

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2003 Results are in!

The SciFi winner gets my vote for best in show...

Colonel Cleatus Yorbville had been one seriously bored astronaut for the first few months of his diplomatic mission on the third planet of the Frangelicus XIV system, but all that had changed on the day he'd discovered that his tiny, multipedal and infinitely hospitable alien hosts were not only edible but tasted remarkably like that stuff that's left on the pan after you've made cinnamon buns and burned them a little.
Mark Silcox
Auburn AL 36830

Vile Pun winner should be shot...

"The Insect Keeper General, sitting astride his giant hovering aphid, surveyed the battlefield which reeked with the stench of decay and resonated with the low drone of the tattered and dying mutant swarms as their legs kicked forlornly at the sky before turning to his master and saying, 'My Lord, your flies are undone.'"
Andrew Vincent
Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, England

You Are Ichabod Crane From "Sleepy Hollow." You're a deep thinker - most times logically. You're a bit of a neat freak and a wuss (hey, you do faint a lot!) but you do have the ability to overcome your fears and come out stronger in the end. And you never lose your head over things. (Gufaw gufaw!)

Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!

Some days at work can be good. Some days can be really boring.
Finished up the machine I was setting up yesterday, except for the .NET install. Thing is being buggy, and it needs to be looked at, and I dont have the access to look at the problem on the server. So looks like it will have to wait till tomorrow. I've got a second machine waiting to be configured, almost identical to the first, in line, and it will have to wait till tomorrow as well. On an up note, I got my coding homework done, and hopefully the exam will go well. I still think we should have computer access for exams, like we do on lab day. Oy. But I'm not worried. Did well on the last one as well, so its all good.
What I am worried about is the fact that there are three mistakes on my graduation Audit for Arts and Sciences, and that no one seems to be able to tell me who to talk to in order to get them fixed, except for one person, who does not seem to ever answer her phone. They are all easy to make mistakes, and I can understand the problems, but getting them fixed should be much eaiser than this. So far, I've been trying for an entire day. If this goes on longer than a week, I WILL be upset. Oy. On the other hand, I haven't even heard from MJRCB about their audit, so lord only knows when that will get to me. Strange that the one I filled late I get first.
Grr.
And of course, calling either MJRCB or AS gets me nowhere. Both try to transfer me to my councelor, neither of which ever are in, so I'm completely sol. I love this school. Oh yes. Love this school.

But, Always the wastelands before the prizes. You know that.

Yes, yes I do. But I know what the prize is.

Rammona:We'll creep together you and I
For I know who the small friends are

Toll the bell - Pay the private eye
All's well - 20th century dies

And the wheels are turning and turning
As the 20th century dies

Of course its heavy - Thats because its filled with mercy.

swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming
the goddess of imaginary light

Nervousness. Hesitation. Fear. Self doubt.

Or is that, really, the doubt of self?

Am I important enough that people should listen to what I say? Do I matter that much? And if I do, why do I matter so much, and others do not seem to? And if I dont, why don't I, and others do? Was it something I did, something I said, something I never thought of, something I know, something I should know/say/do/be?

I need to sleep. I need to dream. My muses are silent, though they clamour to be heard. hear us, feed us, nurture us, abuse us, starve us, ignore us And all I can do is be tortured by the half formed fetal remnants of aborted ideas which linger in the corners of my mind. A painting I should paint, a story I should write, a program I should code, a world I should create.... so many things, all impotent and still born.

Still born. Born dead, but born none the less. Still born.

Something in that, somewhere, is sickly true smelling.

They'll never see
I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

Angelitos, Mictecacihuatl watch over these born yet unborn children of the mind's eye.
Mizuko, Tatari Mokke, play with them, lull them from anger into paradise.
“moku kokudo shikkai j“butsu sansen s“moku shitsu'u bussh“

My mind is a littered wasteland, a kobaka of ideas now dead.
Make your offerings under the table to the little ones....

in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
i lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me

[Evanescence - Imaginary] Sometimes, I have to wonder about the winamp random player. Twice since I got to work, its played this song, one of my favorite Evanescence songs, but one I usually save for when I'm feeling very blissful. I guess, I am, in a way, feeling like that. I had a smoothie for breakfast (mmm sucrose and honey) and I guess the sugar buzz is settling in.
[Bauhouse - Hollow Hills] And what is with the Lovecraftian theme my day seems to be taking already? Maybe its that I'm feeling a sort of connection to things today, different from usual, a feeling that I've mannaged to tap back into that Universal thing that usually keeps me going, that sense that, no matter what, the universe does Right by its self, and I am a leaf in its river, helpless but minutely influential in its patterns. So many people would feel so hopeless and scared at that image, but I am somehow comforted by it. I guess, by the fact that no matter what I do, nothing I do can destroy everything, at least directly. Others, others I know, could stop the flow of the river with a thought - me, I am just a leaf, adrift in its wash, only able to stop the flow were there thousands of times my effort applied. Its a good thing to know you can't break things too badly.

* * *

2:30 already. Oy. Work goes by so fast it seems. Nice to have a job I enjoy doing enough that I don't notice the time passing when I am working. Had to rearange some things in the office, namely run a cable behind the shelves so we could finally get use of all 4 ports in the office for a connection. Now we have double that, thanks to a cute little Linksys switch which is hiding behind this behemoth of a 21" flat pannel that goes with the system I'm working on. Dell makes some nice stuff, I'll give em that.
Chugging along, pondering lunch. Not sure what I'll get, probably a sandwitch. Eh, its food.
Still have some coding work I need to do, as well as some database homework I need to finish up, and write a memo for. And stuff I have to do that I would usually do tomorrow, but I wolnt have time for then. Ugh. Stupid daily summaries. Sooo much work to do. Oy. Or at least it feels like its trying to pile up. Not sure if it really is or not. The illusitory state of stress is a strange thing.
[KMFDM - Risen] My playlist is being weird agian. 3rd time for this song this afternoon. You'd think out of 64 songs, it would actually vary a little. Eh.

Ok... *ahem*

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

*ahem*

Sorry for that little outburst, but, it is a well deserved little outburst, and one I've tried to stay relativly calm about since I found out last night. My honnors thesis proposal has been accepted. I get to spend the next two semesters (my last two at GSU) doing research and writing a thesis. Yay! Real academic work at last! I am, on the whole, so excited about it. Sure, it's a topic no one really cares about, but damn it, its fun.

(for those for you who dont know, I am doing a comparative skeletal anatomy of the hind limbs of bipeds - birds, primates, and 'roos - looking for similarities throughout their evolutionary path thaty may indicate structural significances caused by bipedalism)

But anyway. I'm feeling much better today.

Frustrations with the new backend I am trying to use to redo the rest of the site (database problems), but other than that, life is pretty sweet around here for now.

StrixusOokami: *craves vash yiff*
damien667: .....
damien667: *refuses to comment for several reasons*
StrixusOokami: .... and would someone explain to me why vash is everyone's bitch in the Doujinshi world!
StrixusOokami: hes as bad as vegita
StrixusOokami: well.. not that bad
damien667: Yeah
damien667: not that bad at all
damien667: people like to take the most hardcore Down, and make them all Vulnerable
StrixusOokami: ..... if you knew what i was looking at as you said that
StrixusOokami: *choaks laughing*
damien667: ....
StrixusOokami: vulnerable... yep... but hes SOOO cute like that...
damien667: heheh

StrixusOokami: so as my favorite question goes... it used to be not ok to eat fish on friday, and you went to hell for it... but now its ok... so all those people who went to hell.. were they let out?
damien667: They damn well better have been
StrixusOokami: well by the fairness in hell act...
StrixusOokami: *ducks*
damien667: HEY!
damien667: *goes to check the books. Releases everyone who went to hell for repealled laws of their religions"
StrixusOokami: exactly
StrixusOokami: i bet they have been so busy with paperwork from Vatican II they are still backlogged
StrixusOokami: wait... is hell the perfect beurocracy ?
damien667: Perfect...?
damien667: "I know those words but tht sentence doesn't make any sense."
StrixusOokami: lol
damien667: 'Thank you for calling HellCorp. "We are Legion." How may i help you?'
StrixusOokami: so is hell ever behind on its paperwork, or is hell always ahead on the paperwork?
damien667: Heheheh All the paperwork is finished Exactly as it comes in
damien667: know how that happens?
damien667: their first part of hell is to finish their own requisition forms
damien667: They are then moved on, to the tourtures they've designated for themselves
StrixusOokami: Please check all that apply
damien667: Yep
damien667: ^_^
StrixusOokami: and score yourself as follows
StrixusOokami: lol
StrixusOokami: hell is the ultimate LJ test
damien667: EXACTLY!
damien667: And you can never say "That doesn't fit," cause there's always the More/Other option
StrixusOokami: wait... did i just stumble on a universal truth
StrixusOokami: other{please specify}
damien667: So.. Now you see why my life is the way it is.
StrixusOokami: heh
damien667: "Other (Please Specify): ___________"

"Sturgeon's Law originally was 'Nothing is always absolutely so.' The other thing was known as 'Sturgeon's Revelation'"

"I repeat Sturgeon's Revelation, which was wrung out of me after twenty years of wearying defense of science fiction against attacks of people who used the worst examples of the field for ammunition, and whose conclusion was that ninety percent of sf is crud.

"The Revelation: Ninety percent of everything is crud.

"Corallary 1: The existence of immense quantities of trash in science fiction is admitted and if is regrettable; but it is no more unnatural than the existence of trash anywhere.

"Corallary 2: The best science fiction is as good as the best fiction in any field."

*sighs*

I'm currently sitting on the 5th floor of library south, roasting like a duck in an oven. Why am I here, you ask? Because I dont want to be somewhere else, where I would usually kill time between classes. Why? Its uncomfortable for me, sometimes, to be around people at all. I just have to stay away from them, any of them. But sometimes, its just certian groups of people I need to stay away from. Which ever of these it is today, the Rampway office doesnt feel welcoming to me today.
I walked up the stairs to the hall where it is, and could hear them from the other end of the hall. No need to see into the door to see who was there, I could hear, and I had no real reason to want to be around these people.
This isnt the Rampway I remember. It has changed, deeply and immesurably, but in some imperceptible and unnamable way. What ever it is, it isnt home any more. Its outgrown me. Maybe not completely, but its in the process of loosing its need of me. Like all things, it has changed, and moved on. Which is good, really, I suppose.
But its like all creations - you are never ready to let it go to those more capable to deal with it. They seem happy to still have me there, as a sort of link to the past in helping to create the future. And its a nice role to have, in its way. But, in a way, it feels like I am a dead weight, holding them back from where Rampway is going, trying to preserve something that maybe never existed except in my own mind. There are things I never want to see Rampway become, but it may very well become those things. It already has, in its way, become some of the things I never wanted it to. But those changes are irriversable, and my stubborn protests against them will do nothing.
I was there when Rampway struggled, foundered, and fought to survive. Now, there is no question of its survival, only a question of how great it will become. My part is played. All I have left is my experience with that, a continual reminder to be careful, to be cautious, to not take too many risks, and to cover its ass. And now, that is not what Rampway needs. It needs the innovation from the new blood, who have taken over in full stride. I may still have a place with rampway, but it is not the place it once was.
The point is, Rampway has moved on. I need to do the same.
That seems to be a big theme with me lately. Moving on. Grad school is two and a half semesters from reality. Which means moving from home (at last, yet I am worried and afraid), and my family. I find myself alienated from the fan comunities I once frequented because of how much older I am than the average member, yet my writing seems juvenile by my own standards. Friends here at school, I am removing myself from them, distancing myself. Even the web sites I frequent, I am loosing my contact with.
Really, all I have as a constant is my guild on DAOC, and my boyfriend.
*sighs*

For the particular poster out there.... This is intended in good clean fun.

Anyway, yes, it has been a while. Been batteling a bought of depression, a cold, and a messy room all at once, not to mention mid terms. But I will tell you what, loyal (if not nitpicky) readers, nothing feels better than recovering from a slump and a cold at once, finding the energy to finally clean up the pile of garbage bags accumulating in the corner of my room (this after having extracted my laundery bag from the midst of them), and get something done for a change.

I slept in today, and yesterday, and slept lots. Getting over a cold involves lots of sleep. As a bonus, sleep usually helps me get over a depression as well, though why, I have no idea. I am still sick, nose dripping and what not, but I feel better - cleansed as it were, from two days of sleep, a bag of bagles, enough oj to float a battle ship in, and what had to have been about a pound of kosher lox eaten with some very unkosher cream cheese.

Now, refreshed, and having heard my favorite U2 song on the radio first thing this afternoon as I drove to school, I feel all may be about to go right in the world again. Chearful optimism, here we come.