I lived through test day hell, and a Day of Rest was declared for today. And so it was.

I've been in an odd turn lately, taken to keeping at least two sticks of insense burning in my room at a time (current is a personal favorite of which I have a 1/4 lb bag of called Wings), along with prefering candel to incandecent light. My music taste has also gone a tad weird, going back to the very oldest of my CD collection, with my limited but well loved Andreas Vollenweider albums. My very first CD, given to me along with my CD player by my aunt and uncle years ago.

Currently playing is Book of Roses, a sort of combination of neo-classical and fusion, with strange places in between that defy description. The opening track, La Strega (Her Journey To The Grand Ball), never fails to evoke one image in my mind - an autum wood, the leaves fallen and blown by wind, the smell of winter just in the air, an overcast sky, and the ravens who caw (actually in the track its self) as you walk near enough to startle them. Many of the other tracks evoke equally beautiful images, making you dream of things and places far away, or very close to heart.

Now, a classical guitar plays, evocing both romance and blowing wind. I now go to sleep, wrapped in the sweet smell of my blankets, and the first cool night of autum, whoes air touches me through windows left open for this purpose alone.

Good night.

Tomorrow is test day.

GRE: 12-5pm
Latin: 5:30-6:45

Wee.

I will do well on the GRE. I will at least pass my latin test. And that is all I hope for.

One step closer to graduate school. One step closer.

*claps hands twice and bows head*
Tenjin, Tenjin, oh most wise of Kami
*claps hands again*
Grant me some of your wisdom
That I may pass these exams
*claps hands again*
Tenjin, Tenjin, oh most wise of Kami
*claps hands, bows*
Take this, your most favorite flower, as an offering to appease you and grant me your blessings on this day of my exams.

Something I heard on the radio on the way home got me thinking. It is, of course, the month of Tishri, the Jewish High Holy month, the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Now, I am not a practicing Jew, nor am I practicing of any religion, nor of any religious upbringing, but I find a particular draw to this time of year on the Jewish calendar, because of the theme it brings to mind: Forgiveness. It is the last month of the year, the time for forgiveness and reconciliation, for mending of things broken in the last year, and the forgiveness for interpersonal transgressions.
My own personal issues, at least the majority of them, stem from one cycle of fear: the fear of transgression, the fear of failure to repent properly and fully, and the fear of the lack of forgiveness. When I sin (for there really is no better word for it, dispite the religous connotations), I repent as fully as I can, and I hope for the forgiveness of those I have sinned against. And forgiveness is given, most of the time.
But the issue brought up on the radio as I was driving home was simple: Is it alright not to forgive those who trangress against us who give no rependance, who display no true remorse for what they have done? The answer given, and I think rightly so, is yes. If there is no repentance for the act, no recompence made, no remorse felt, then forgiveness - the reciprocation of that repentance - should not be given.
Yet there is a danger in this, one i know well myself - to know that repentance is true, and fully given, before forgiveness is given. How does one know? It requires an element of trust, something which in such a situation is nearly impossible. And so, those who have transgressed and repent truely are at the mercy of those from whom they seek repentance, a mercy tainted by those who act repentant to escape punishment or retrobution.

Who after his transgression doth repent,
Is halfe, or altogether, innocent.
- Robert Herrick, Hesperides--Penitence

.... If only it felt that way...

Your latin for today is the word crustulum.
What does it mean?
Cookie.

Let me say this clearly. I like rain. I hate being wet.

I am currently soaked from the knees down, my sandles and feet have seen the worst of city flooding. Thanks to this.



This is what my shoes currently look like. I wolnt even go into my pants.



*sighs* yet another day of being soaked to the bone. At least this time I had a rain coat with me, so the damage is only lower limbs. I still worry about the fact I may catch cold - or pnuemonia - thanks to how bloody cold the class rooms are.

So I haven't talked about this on here yet, but a good number of you already know about it. I'm just begining the process of applying to graduate schools. I take the GRE on Thursday - hopefully I will do well on it, but the math section gives me the heebie geebies, not because I haven't leanered it but because its been so long since I've used that sort of math.

Last Friday I went and met with the director of graduate studdies at UGA - where I want to go to do my PhD in Philosophy, for more reasons than one. Things seem to have gone well, and I hope I made a good impression on him as a bright and eager student, worthy of consideration for one of the larger stipends, and willing to work for my keep and tuition waiver. My only real fear is that I know there are people out there better than me in Philosophy, better at playing the game, and that these people will come between me and my plans, which UGA is an essential part of.

So what are those plans? Moving out of my house, settling down with my love, and making true on a promise I have made twice now. There are some promises that brand our souls, and this is one of them - one I will keep in my heart every day between then and now. The only way I can make good on that promise is to make good on my plans - and make good on them as fast as I can.

So again I bind myself to my studdies, nose to the spine of the books, and dream of the day when I wolnt wake up alone and cold every morning. I have to continue to endure this just a little longer, and then everything will come to fruitition.

Either I am a fool for raising my hopes so far, or I am determined to make those dreams come true. I hope I will not be proven a fool, for the results of being proven a fool would be too painful for me to bear. I cannot let down those whose hopes rest on me. And so, I work, I strive, and I try my best. I only pray that my best will be enough.