Looking backwards

So I read back over my last two posts, and realized just how incoherant they are. Anyone who reads them would probably think I'm a raving mad man - and while I may be raving, or mad... I am not ever both at once, at least I attempt not to be. I have simply been going through some emotional garbage, filtering it out, and cleaning up after it.
So where does this leave me? Simple. Today, in 1997, I was in SC, where I met someone who changed my life. My beloved, six years you have waited for me - soon that wait will be over, and those things which have stood between us will fall like the walls of an abandoned city. I love you, and I am yours.

I wish I were close
To you as the wet skirt of
A salt girl to her body.
I think of you always.
-- Yamabe no Akahito (8th C)

A meditation on lyrics, a flame, and the pain of my knees from sitting too long in one place. These are thoughts, shaped, reshaped, and then refined into these shapes we call words, the shapes of meaning made of letters which are sounds.

Drawn across the plainland
To the place that is higher

Its calling me. Those dreams....the noise....the hunger. My nerves are dull, slow, dimwitted compared to how they should be. My brain lacks fire, that fire which should burn though me, purify me, and wash away all that is unclean. Cleansing, purifying - Fire.

Smash the radio
No outside voices here

I want them to stop. Those things in passing I hear, or think I hear, or know I hear. Those whispered voices, and worse, those who no longer bother to whisper. I want them to stop. No more voices.

Drawn into the circle
That dances round the fire

That circle is not for me. I am not of the Circle. Yet I always find a circle... drawn into one after another, always to find myself leaving it. I drift from one to another, sometimes back, sometimes forth, always drawn to the circles formed around someone I know, entering that circle, and then leaving it again. I am not of the Circle. That circle is not for me.

Smash the watch
Cannot tear the day to shreds

Time ticks. Tick tick tick. A blood sucking creature, parasidic, sucking away our life, second by second. Seconds, Minutes, Hours, Days, Weeks, Months, Years, Decades, Centuries, Millineums, Eons, Epocs, Eternities. Divide time, but always into larger and larger chunks, passing by faster and faster, until the smaller divisions are gone, a blur of movement and life.

We spit into out hands
And breathe across the palms

Promises. Bonds. Oaths. Pacts. Solem, sworn, spoken, unspoken, blood, revenge, death, life, love. Chains - things which hold us - bonds - promises. Hold us to one another, from one another, against one another, for one another. Tie these things together, so that we may tear down everything else. If we promise, we promise, and nothing else holds. Promises sworn in blood are one thing, but those sworn in the soul are the most binding. Love is a promise sworn in blood, tears, semen, sweat, saliva, all those most base bodily fluids - but at its core, before all else, it is sworn in the soul. Love, Friendship, Honnor. Break one, and you break them all.

Smash the camera
Cannot steal away the spirits

No more pictures, no more physicalities. If we cannot see ourselves, do we exist? If there is no sensation of body, do we have one? Even from this seat within our skulls, we see ourselves, nose first, into the world around us. We are born head first into the world for a reason: the first thing we see of the outside world is blinding light. The last thing we see is blinding darkness. Negatives of reality, exposed onto the flesh of our brains, and developed in the chemicals of our existence.

Raising them up high
Held open to the sun

Rise, sun, moon, stars, planets. Set, sun, moon, stars, planets. Human lives, mesured out by their rhythms, known and unknown. Even the rhythm of our hearts, it measures out our lives, beat by beat by beat. When it stops, our souls are lost without that familar ticking of life's unstoppable clock, and wander alone until they find it again.


and in this place, can you reassure me
with a touch, a smile – while the cradle’s burning
all the while the world is turning to noise
oh the more that it’s surrounding us
the more that it destroys
turn up the signal
wipe out the noise

send out the signals deep and loud

lyrics from Peter Gabriel, Rhythm of the Heat, and Signal to Noise

I have been reminded of words I have read often, spoken often, yet as equally often I forget them, and fail to live by them as I should.

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.

To not follow the call of love... it is the worst regret we can have. Those who have loved from afar, only to lose what they love to someone else more bold, and those who lose what they love for fear of the hard ways of love, they know the ultimate pain of life: to love, and to not know if they were loved in return or not. There is no curse worse than unknowing.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions
may wound you.

Love Hurts, so say the sages, and it is true. The very nature of love is an intense emotion to the point of pain. Love is fire, Love is ice - both burn yet we are drawn to their beauty. Thus is love. We are drawn to it, yet fear its pain. We should not fear it, for that pain only serves to make the emotion stronger. A fire feeds on its self.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

If you love, you will know it. Love never speaks falsely, though it can be fickel as any woman, as tenuous as fortune, waxing and waining as the moon. But even breif love is Love. And even if love is not what you think you want, Love is what is right for you. Follow it, believe its voice, no matter what the pain is it may bring, or the strife it may cause.

For even as love crowns you so shall he
crucify you. Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver
in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Love forces you to cast aside all else that is not needed, and in that, we grow from love more than any other experience of the human condition. Just as a tree must be pruned of sick limbs to grow healthy, so must we shead those things which burden us in the face of love. Even those things we hold as most dear: family, friends, home, heart - all must fall to the wayside for us to follow Love.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto
himself.

FOR WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN?
-- Death appeals to Azrael (Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man)

He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred
fire, that you may become sacred bread for
God's sacred feast.

Change, be changed, for Change is Life, and without Change we Die. Love is the forging of our souls into something better, more pure, more beautiful, the crafting of our flesh into something beyond flesh, into the vessle which holds this most violent and burning emotion.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your
heart, and in that knowledge become a
fragment of Life's heart.

-- Khalil Gibran "The Prophet: On Love"

Neuromancer Movie Soundtrack

Intro Credits
1. Peter Gabriel - The Tower That Ate People (4:49)
(first 1:25, followed by last two verses and ending)

Chiba City Blues
2. Juno Reactor - Solaris (8:58)
3. Battery - Pity (5:27)
4. Aphex Twin - 11.mp311.mp3 (3:01)

The Shopping Expidition
5. Battery - Sirens (5:23)
6. Peter Gabriel - White Ashes (2:34)
7. Snake River Conspiracy - Lovesong (3:55)
8. Battery - Motherboard Flatline (3:09)

Midnight on the Rue De Jules Verne
9. Peter Gabriel - The Nest That Sailed The Sky (4:55)
10. Son of Rust - Just Like Me (3:34)
11. Pachabel - Pachelbel Canon (4:26)
12. Blue Man Group - Shadows (2:06)
13. Son of Rust - What You Are (3:32)

Coda: Departure and Arival
14. Soundtrack - I Grieve - Peter Gabriel (8:09)
15. SRC - How Soon Is Now (3:57)

Final Credits
16. Peter Gabriel - Signal To Noise (7:30)

Your soul is bound to the Second Totem, Luna:
The Wolf.

Luna appears as a pair of coral colored wolves.
She embodies empathy, nurturing, insight,
and warmth. She is associated with the
color coral, the season of spring, and the
element of wind. Her downfall is pathos.

You are most compatible with Doves and Ravens.


Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm afraid of what i do not know
i hate being undermined
i'm afraid i can be devil man
and i'm scared to be divine
don't mess with me my fuse is short
beneath this skin these fragments caught

when i allow it to be
there's no control over me
i have my fears
but they do not have me

walking through the undergrowth,
to the house in the woods
the deeper i go, the darker it gets
i peer through the window
knock at the door
and the monster i was
so afraid of
lies curled up on the floor
is curled up on the floor just like a baby boy

i cry until i laugh

Peter Gabriel - Darkness

The Book of Cliches

I should say something here.

This morning's Sobe Wisdom: Kemosobe

So I have allot to do today. I have specimen descriptions I need to put together, a list of requested specimens to finalize with UGA for their dog bones, about 2 inches worth of articles I need to read in the next week, not to mention the actuall work related stuff I have to do while I am here, in order to earn my keep. Goy.

I should have worked on specimen stuff last night but Civ III ate my life last night, and then Adult Swim just happend to be showing the Demons Eye ep of Trigun (Trigun - [Legato's theme, Perfect Night]) , and the Wrath of God ep of Family Guy (God [slap] Is [slap] Pissed [slap]. "We think the Griffin guy gets it, turn off the plauges"). So needless to say, nothing got done last night but several nice hours of Civ and some TV watching.

To top it off, something kept waking me up this morning, once at 8:30, once at 9:30, and then again right before my alarm went off at 11:30. So I'm a little groggy right now, and will continue to be until I get some more caffeen in me. Mmm Sobe and Red Bull. My sinuses are all swollen, so I look like I have two black eyes, and the pressure this puts on my eyelids to close doesnt help me stay awake at all. I guess my body is saying "Go to sleep you nutjob, so we can finish cleaning the crap out of your nasal passages." Will I listen? Probably not, unless it starts screaming, or makes me pass out.

I feel like I'm back in highschool in this damned class. The book is a joke, the teacher is a PhD student who, while a very nice person, is not a very good teacher, and several people in the class are disruptive, while the rest of us just are simply trying to get through the class to get out of it.
I've never fully understood why they subject students to classes like this, but I suppose it has a good logical reason behind it. I suppose this, but more than likely my supposition is incorrect. Lord help me. St. Matthew is patron saint of accountants, bankers, and bookkeepers, but I wonder if that extends to those of us who are forced to learn this information to our detrament. I'd hate to have just St. Thomas Aquinas as my only patron saint. Gah, being a philosopher has some gloomy bits attached to it.

So, where have I been? The Temple of Elemental Evil has been eating my life since I bought it Saturday. It's actually been kicking my ass, and I have yet to make it though the first set of missions without dying. And then all sorts of stuff (like building a desk, and what not) has been cropping up. I am no longer sick (I was pretty much over it as of Thursday night), but I am still sleeping more than I should be.

Yeah. It's a weird bit, honestly.

Latter additions. So the day has drug on... longer and longer Mondays seem to get. Finance doesnt help. It is far too long of a class to have manditory attendance, but I guess that really is the only way to get people to show up. Lord knows I wouldn't if I had the choice.

Sleep would be good, but I have yet to master sleeping with my eyes open. Sleep...

Probably going to play Civ for a while after this, or work on fic. Tired tired tired. I want to go home.