So yeah. Thanksgiving is over. I'm still sick, if anything sicker. The right side of my face is clogged with mucous, blood, and god only knows what else. Back to school tomorrow. Woo hoo. Um. Yeah.
On a bright note, I got the new power adapter for my laptop today.
Also, tomorrow I start my new diet. No meat, no dairy, no animal protean of any type, till new years. Ill allow my self to cheat for sushi, and for christmas dinner, but thats it. Everything else is tabbo.
So yes, for the next month I'm technically going vegan. God.. .help..me..

More Than This

i woke up and the world outside was dark
all so quiet before the dawn
opened up the door and walked outside
the ground was cold

Where have I been? I don't know, where have I been? Off in thought, unable to write. Drinking absinthe, able to write but unable to put up what I've written because its not finished yet, damn it, and I'm not about to put up another bit of still birthed floatsoame. So this has sat fallow, waiting for me. And now, at last, I think Ive got something I can say here, that wolnt be trite, or sweet as treacle, or bitter as the afterburn of a morning star.

i walked until i couldn’t walk anymore
to a place i’d never been
there was something stirring in the air
in front of me, i could see

Its cold now, its gone winter, at last, in full. The air bites at you, freezes any false intentions to your skin and breaks them off like ice. Its wonderful to be able to wear my coat, and scarf, and not be too hot outside. At last, I wear my second skin, and I feel alive again. The wind howls, and I howl back at it, waiting for the full of winter to rise like the frost wolf it is.

it started when i saw the ship go down
i saw them struggle in the sea
and suddenly the picture disappears
in front of me

So, for those of you who dont know, I seem to have aquired a stray cat. My parents started feeding her a while back, and shes now coming in the house on a regular basis. She likes my room. Its nice. Shes small, very fine boned, black with white hind feet and a white tux stomach. Her tail has been broken in the past, and healed badly. Hence her name: Kinkie. Yeah, I know, its bad. But shes cute. Way too cute.

now we’re busy making all our busy plans
on foundations built to last
but nothing fades as fast as the future
and nothing clings like the past, until we can see

I've been dealing with interesting things lately. Yet more affimation of my refusal to become a savior to anyone. I cant save any of you, hell, I cant even save myself. None of you want me to save you, you dont need me to save you. So fuck it if im going to expend the energy on something that I cant do. Only you, you yourself, can save you. I know none of you have asked me to, but I still feel, still want to, save you. And there are others, beyond those who I've mentioned here. I care about you all, but there is only one person I can save. ME.

much more than this
way beyond imagination
much more than this
beyond the stars
with my head so full
so full of fractured pictures
and i’m all there
right next to you
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i’m alone
feeling so connected
and i’m all there right next to you

That was too harsh, I know, but i had to say it. I'm sorry. I am doing fairly well, dispite what that seemed like. Each and every one of you, I am thankful for, whether I know you read this blog or not. And thats what today is about. Being thankful. I am thankful, I am grateful, for each and every one of you, dear readers. You may not know it, but I am.

Greetings from the great wildeness that is Mississippi.
Been gambling here at Pearl River for the last two days. Last night had a great run of luck, including a 50$ hit on a nickle machine (turning 5$ into 45$). Tonight, luck has been horrible. I mean down right "what the hell did I piss off in my sleep" terrible. Oy.
So yah. I'll be home tomorrow, late some time. If I don't catch anyone of you on line, be good.

As a parting gift before I go, please enjoy these Subversive Crosstich Samplers. And be happy I wolnt be doing any xmas shopping from the site.

I have discovered the most addicting substance on earth. And quite by accident. For lunch, I usually have chicken and rice with a ceasar salad. To this salad, I add blue cheese dressing. Today, it was Rasberry Vinegrette, quite by accident.
I'm hooked.

A night of very vivid dreams, two I remember in particular.
In what my mind identified as Peidmont park, out for a hike with my family. My mother has to use the restroom, which is up ahead at point 17 (we are at about point 3). So, we start walking at a brisk pace. It starts raining. And raining. And rains harder. As the rain gets worse, we keep walking and then climbing up steps and through this towerlike structure of planking, where the trail becomes more of a ropes course, eventually becoming lengths of suspended rope (one overhead, one to stand on) over what in the dream looks to be acers of digital forest (the trees are more a pixel pattern of shades of green than trees). And it's still raining.
The next dream also involved my mother, strangely enough. I was at home, and for some reason my mother and I were outside at night, sitting in the driveway. A possom comes up to us, and starts acting like a cat. We talk to it, it responds, and begins following us around, climbing up into our laps, etc. Eventually, I take it inside to feed it. I get out a plate and put two slices of bread on it, and set it down. The possum instantly takes the first peice of bread and tries to hide it in the pot cabnet. I scold it, put the bread back on the plate, and tell it to eat. While it does so, I fill a bowl with water, and set it down for it. During this time, the possom has caught and killed a mouse, and is busy eating its head, very bloodily. When I set down the water bowl, the possom washes its front paws and nose in the bowl to get the blood off. It goes back to eating the bread, as I watch the blood slowly dissapate into the bowl of water.
All I know is that I'm still tired, and I'm thinking about a nap.

Remember the old "infinate monkeys at infinate typewriters" theory? Look what came up on the 374th click on my username:

Hmmm... 24 hours and seven minutes between posts. I sense a touch of To be, or not to be - that is the question; whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. To die, to sleep - no more - and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep - To sleep - perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub. Oh, wait a minute... Over there.. in the Google Ads! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!

- Posted by wendell to Metatalk

GeneFilter - a Metafilter By-product

Shades of feelings my heart denies
bathing in shadows hidden in the eyes of lies
my glowing future now these embers burn
uncanny restlessness- but ask me what I've
learned...
- Cruxshadows, Heaven's Gaze

Today, when I came home, the cat wanted in the house. I couldn't let her in, of course, because she's not allowed in the house yet. But she wanted in. It was... depressing. Particularly because shes so damned cute. It was annoying however, in that shes a black cat, who streached out on a dark walkway, at night. Invisible cat, anyone?

Which Hellsing character are you?

A night of truly fucked up dreams. A dream of a sort of Sci-Fi event, with Wil Wheaton (aka, the Crusher brat from TNG) as the guest star. Found him to be very personable, happy to deal with the swarms of people who kept asking him questions.
The whole thing seemed to take place in a weird mix between my middle school gym and the GSU campus. Something caused us to evacuate the gym, and Wil and I and several Rampway and other campus people ended up sitting around outside, talking. Wil started telling really bad jokes, but we all laughed anyway.
I remember getting to pat him on the head, and him laughing. Very strange.
So yeah. No Anthro today. Should be a nice day.

The rain is still coming down in sheets. The streets of town are flooded, as they are want to do when it rains for longer than three hours. I listen to the rain, its stacatto uneven punctuated by the sharp rise in pace whenever the wind blows. My neck and sinuses ache dully, but nothing else beyond that.
I keep starting sentances, but each time I do it just seems so pointless, so bitchy, that I just have to stop and delete it. There is nothing really to say except what I am saying now. That there is nothing to say.
Godfuckingchrist. Rambling like that, you'd think I was a writer. I just seem to come up against this wall every so often, and the rain is only making it worse. Not quite anger at people, but more than frustration. But its a selfish emotion. I'm going out of town this weekend, and as such, Erik is going to be alone this weekend. I feel guilty, and annoyed that his roomie wolnt be home enough to take care of the dogs so he could go somewhere he wants to go. But what can I do? Nothing, and it upsets me.
I'm just sort of here, now, listening to music, and the rain. It's not true, what they say. The Devil is not just an angel in bondage. The Devil is inside each and every one of us, and his intentions are our own best ones. Its only that his way of getting results hurts people.

New glasses this morning. They look very much like the old ones, but narrower. As with every time I get new glasses, its taking me a while to get used to them, especially to ignore the frames inside my vision range. I almost went with something very differnt, but I decided against it as that the frames were very fragile, without the elastic hinges that I'm used to. All in all, I'm just happy to be able to see again without a head ache.
So after I got my glasses, a process that took from 10:45 till 12:30, I went back home, and slept until 3:30. Was nice. I feel infinitely refreshed, and awake, dispite the fact that I am still sick. My right sinuses are still clogged solid, and when I can get anything out its bloody and or green, but I take that to mean I'm getting better. I'm worried that my ear will get infected if it doesnt unclog soon, but other than that, seems to be doing well.
It started raining on my way to campus, therefore I didn't get to see the usuall cast of characters today. Hope that everyone is doing ok, and is safe and well during this storm. Me, I'm on campus, watching it get progressivly darker outside as evening comes too quickly even for this time of year.
And now it is dark, the world outside obscured by the glare of the florecent lights on the windows. I wonder if it is still raining outside?

Another scene from my movie yet to be written/stilborn screenplay in the process, this time a bit more prose form than before.

The cross bar is made of metal tube, about an inch in diameter, supported by a length of chain run through its center which connects to two latching hooks affixed in the ceiling above. The arms are twisted through nearly a full rotation around the length of the bar, to where they are held at the ends by nylon strapping. It is the shear tension of the bindings and the tendons in the arms and shoulders, which make the rest of it possible.
From the shoulder, the spine makes a graceful curve, like a swan dive turned on its end, holding the entire body from there down into this tension strung arch. Knowing this is unsustainable, for any length of time really, there is a steel rod, perhaps a piece of rebar, bent into the exact curve, and affixed at neck, crossbar, waist, and ankles. Even when the strength of shoulders gives out, the body will not sag, Christ-like, on its metal cross. It will stay where it is, as it is meant to be.
Already there are half a dozen small wounds, most of them abrasions or lacerations, but nothing deep, nor actively bleeding. They've been meticulously cleaned, disinfected, and allowed to form neat, even scabs of their own. What bruises there are, mainly around the wrists and along the left side of the face, are superficial and barely show in this light.
It’s a fish tank sort of light, fluorescent, but filtered to a watery green blue by some unseen source. The light is still, the air is still. It’s the perfect light to show the pale skin, and the stark contrast of blood, an oozing black substance in this alien sound stage.
On a small folding sideboard, someone has neatly arranged several trays of instruments with the same neat and ominous seriousness of a dentist’s office before a visit. Each tray has its own blotter of surgical paper, nearly the same color as the light, as a back drop for the various metal tools arrayed on them. A gloved hand reaches out, hovering over them, and then picks a small, wickedly curved scalpel, looking to be from a dissection kit of very high quality.
The eyes are open now, watching the blade and the body attached to it move closer. Anticipation, is it, or is that expression fear? Its always so hard to tell.
And so the work begins, the arrangement of each slice like a brush stroke, each network of dripping lines forming alien letters on the parchment of flesh. The first series, down the chest, across the breastbones, down each leg, across each arm, and then the next, each iteration smaller, more precise.
In the beginning, there are only small sounds, half way between pleasure and pain. It is only when the real work begins that the screams start.

There, hopefully one day I'll work all this into something coherant.

Today has been a strange day. I got to see a side of humanity that, in all honesty, sort of gives me the creeps. Let me set the stage for you. Our local KMart, one of the last left open, is located in a relativly middle lower class neighborhood. Its a primarily hispanic neighborhood, not that that has anything to do with things, but you get the idea. Low rent, high turn over, low english litteracy level, etc. It was announced last week that it too would be closing, like all the other KMarts. So, starting yesterday, they are selling everything at discounts around 10%-30% off. The store is packed, people are buying things, etc.
Now, there are two entrances to this store, one on the upper level , one on the lower level. Both have A security guard on them. Today, someone began setting fires in the store, in various locations, primarily in areas of expensive merchandise. Of course, after the first one was extinguished, the second one, back in electronics, caused the clearing of the store. The obvious conclusion: arson. Motivation: cause panic, and provide cover to steal items. Its logical, yes. But its... incomprehensible really.
People are animals, but with less sense, and a horrible facination with the material but inconsequential.
Its disturbing, really, to see that people are willing to endanger lives to get what they want for free. And what is worse, the fact that they were endangering lives never occured to them, more than likely. Its more sad than anything else.

A picture in grey, Dorian Gray
Just me, by the sea
And I felt like a star
I thought the world could go far
If they listened to what I said
- U2, Ocean

Other than that, today was ok. I worked on some stuff, wrote a paper, started research for another. Pretty much getting things under control, dealing with school and all. I've got a paper and an exam left in Plato, a paper and an ME report left in Anthro, two exams in Finance, two exams in Latin, and a project and final in Marketing. It sounds like allot but its not. Got to get an online survey up, thats the largest ammount of work. So, there we go.

Life, gah. Yep.

So my glasses broke today, and as such, are sitting a little askew on my face. Its sort of a strange thing, and keeps throwing me off.

and in this place, can you reassure me
with a touch, a smile – while the cradle’s burning

Drove home, listening to "The Reaper" and thinking about all the things the song entails. Love, death, freedom, obligation, necessity. Things I am sure were never meant to be gotten from the song, but are there none the less. The cold air, the sharp stars in the sky, clear and beautiful, the quarter moon looking down with her half face onto the night of the earth.

man i’m losing sound and sight
of all those who can tell me wrong from right
when all things beautiful and bright
sink in the night

Sometimes I wonder what is waiting for me at the end of this progression. But its better not to know, nor to wonder, I think. Some things are better left to be found when you get to them.

So yeah, here we go, another winter. Waiting for the Shortest Day, now, to mark the half way between the Thick and the Thin. Winter, which I used to loathe, which now I love. Strange, how things are like that.

From the pain come the dream
From the dream come the vision
From the vision come the people
From the people come the power
From this power come the change

I wonder, if one day, I'll understand this.

My life seems to be one big planned joke. Thanks, God.

“Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting?..You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?”

“Because I choose to.”

Still sick, and seeing the world from a strange perspective. Its strange to be both isolated and surounded by people. I think thats just the cold medication talking.

Making absinthe ice cream topping tomorrow. I've got two bottles, what else am I gonna do with the stuff?

So yes, it's two thirty in the morning, the latest I've been up in ages (god, when did I ever think id say that?) and I'm feeling a bit better. Right side of my face is a solid mass of pain and congestion. The left side is taking its turn to bleed today, the reverse of yesterday.

Strange, how suddenly Victorian the world seems. I find myself dreaming of a bar somewhere in London or Dublin, near the river in either case, where I watch the ships move up the river, the myriad of peoples moving through the port. Absinthe in one glass, scotch and water in another, alternating, looking out through a haze of smoke and fog.

Somewhere in the shadows, rats scamper.

How strange to find myself back in front of my keyboard, looking into this digital dream, my ears filled with electronic tribal and classical, the strange blend that is Don Davis and Juno Reactor.

Beyond the senses is the mind, and beyond the mind is reason, its essence.
Beyond reason is the Spirit in man, and beyond this is the Spirit of the Universe, the evolver of all.

Step, step, step, slowly climbing this stairway to heaven, you obnoxious little frog.

So yes. I'm sick. And yes. I had Absinthe for lunch.
That is all.

I have decided beyond all reasonable doubt that I live in a country of Godless Heathens, who have no concept of culture or common decency.
Why, you ask, am I putting this level of condemnation on my fellow countrymen? What has driven me to this level of dispair at the state of western culture?
For the life of me, I cannot find a pair of sugar tongs or a sugar bowl. Ice tongs, salad tongs, locking tongs, everything tongs, but NO sugar cube tongs. And sugar bowls? Ooh man. I had a sales clerk look at me as if I were insane asking for one.
It's bad enough I have to make due with only white sugar... but not to have tongs and a bowl? I think someone must pay ... oh yes, someone must pay.

SQUEEK. A small skeletal rat tugs gently but pointedly at my pants cuff, looking up at me with empty, rodent round eye sockets. SQUEEK.
I'm sick, go away. Oh wait, is that what you're trying to tell me? It doesn't take a sneeze rocket scientist to figgure out that I'm sick. Yes, yes, I'll do my job as a plauge rat and spread it around.
My throat hurts, my head aches, and my sinuses are slowly leaking something that I hope is not my brain in a liquified form. Its certianly bloody enough to be. My ears are clogged, which really sucks, but the worst part is that my lungs are aching painfully in my chest from the coughing I've been doing.
On the other hand, there is good news today. My order of La Fée absinthe came today, and is waiting for me to go purchase glasses and drive to it to drink it. The green fairy. Finally. I hope it was worth the money. So yeah, I will be getting very drunk this weekend at some point.
The fun bit is that I've started playing a LJ rpg run by a friend of mine, which should prove interesting. I'm playing a Virtual Adept in a very broad range of universe mixes, using a very loose system of rules. It should prove to be quite fun.
That's it for now, hopefully the alcohol will help kill off the evil things causing me to be sick.

I'm trying to stay awake. If I go to sleep now, I'll only wake up at 3 am and not be able to get back to sleep. I'm listening to The Matrix Revolutions sound track, trying to relax, and let myself drift. NeoDammerung playing currently, and my thoughts are drifting like a cork on a sea. Thinking about people, wondering about things, missing my Erik, feeling the mixture of illness and lack of sleep boggle my brain.
Why now does my difficulty with spoken language return? What has triggered this sudden return of this old handicap? Why do I feel this urge to pick up my sword and carry it with me constantly, not to defend myself, but simply to have it with me, to have its weight on my hip? And why these flits of rage, frustration with the whole of humanity, when I strive to find tollerance of them all?
They are animals, really, and all I see are their mindless repetitive actions which hurt each other, drive each other to the point of madness, one way or another. Conform to the flock which you are a part of, from 'normal' to 'deviant'. No human does not conform in some way, some how, to what is expected of them to be. Its what we are.
But why are they so mindless? Why do they hurt each other so much, so unthinkingly? And worse, why do they hurt themselves? Even with all the pain they inflict on each other, is it not enough for them? We all carry a lifetime of scars, our memories, is it not enough unless some of them are self inflicted?
Why don't you people see that if you just opened your eyes, you could find what it is you seek? It has always been here for you, you simply have to take of the blinders of this empty existence and see with your own eyes. But that is so easy to say, and so hard to do. "From delusion lead me to truth / From darkness lead me to light /From death lead me to immortality." Why must you all keep hurting yourselves? And why must I suffer, unable to do anything to stop the sensless torture you inflict on your own flesh and souls?
Empathy is a curse, a torment, a blessing beyond immortality and wisdom. I feel as you all, I suffer as you all: I know again your joy, your pain, your love, your lust, your envy, your pride, your dreams, your fears. I remember now. I remember this.
Eat of the lotus, forget thy self, and remember what you are.

My eyes hurt and my head aches. I have, apparently, developed a tollerance to Ambien. And I'm getting sick. Yeah. So, what do I do? i get three hours sleep, get woken up by the roofers coming - somehow by the mere thought of them comming - to tear the roof off the house.
I got up, went out. I bought new jeans, a sweater, and a belt, changed clothes in my car, and then drove to borders. I bout the Matrix Revolutions soundtrack, just because I had to, and some KMFDM stuff that I didn't have, even on MP3. Bought some Pratchett, and the Werewolf guides I've been meaning to get for a while. Made me feel a little better.
School. Blah. I have an article I need to write for Rampway tonight, and I still haven't started on it. The due time was 5:30pm. Blarg. I slept though one of my classes, needed sleep badly apparently. So, here I am in finance, still burping up the taste of the hamburger I had for lunch.
Oh yeah, and I really really am getting frustrated with Dr. Williams. Nothing new, but its enough.

First things first. If you have not seen the last of The Matrix, stop reading now. I mean it. NOW.

Ok.

asato ma sad gamaya
tamaso ma jyotir gamaya
mrtyor mamrtam gamaya

From delusion lead me to truth
From darkness lead me to light
From death lead me to immortality.

I was impressed to all hell. I laughed, I cried, I felt my soul lift up and want to cry out with the rightness of what I saw. I was laying odds on one of three endings for the movie: The Hamlet Ending, The Happily Ever After Ending, and The World Sucks/Hopeless Ending. One way or another, I thought it was going to suck, because it wouldn't include everything that it was needing to include. Yet somehow, somehow, they did it right.

vidyam cavidyam ca yas
tad vedobhayam saha
avidyaya mrtyum tirtva
vidyayamrtam asnute

He who knows both knowledge and action,
with action overcomes death
and with knowledge reaches immortality

There is one truth in the universe, more unquestionable and undenyable than anything else: each side of the equation will equal the other. From the interactions of great spiral galaxies, to the most fundamental of quantum interactions, there will always be ballance - one side will counter the other, to the perfection of the two halves. They spoke in terms of variables, of action and reaction, and there is much truth in this. This is the ultamate truth - ballance of the whole.
On the one half of the equation, we have Neo, the far end of the human bell curve, the outlier among the outliers who were the previous One's - the guardian and preserver of humanity. On the other, there is the program known as Smith - the outlier in the world of the AI, the program gone viral - the very embodyment of what he hates so much - the virus of humanity. There was only one way it could end - the only way it could possibly end. The halves of the equation cancled each other out, and the world was remade.

yasmin dyauh prthivi cantariksam otam
manah saha pranais ca sarvaih tam
evaikam janatha atmanam anya vacah
vimuncatha amrtasya esah setuh

In him are woven the sky and the earth
and all the regions of the air, and in him
rest the mind and all the powers of life.
Know him as the ONE and leave aside all
other words. He is the bridge of immortality.

The Matrix is a self correcting system - in ways its own creators never imagined. The One was created as a purge and dump system for rebooting the Matrix and cleaning the system of anomalies. Neo represented the extream of this: it was though his actions that the Matrix repaired the one fatal flaw that it had. Those who wanted freedom, who could not accept an artifical world, would escape, and fight against what they saw as enslavement. And there was war.
Now there is peace - those who wish to leave may leave - those who wish to stay will stay - and the machines will no longer hunt humanity. Neither side wins - that's what peace is.

indriyebhyah param mano
manasah sattvam uttamam
sattvad adhi mahan atma
mahato vyaktam uttamam

Beyond the senses is the mind,
and beyond the mind is reason, its essence.
Beyond reason is the Spirit in man,
and beyond this is the Spirit of the Universe,
the evolver of all.

I have to take a moment and point out my favorite moment of the whole movie. As Trinity and Neo breach the defenses of the machine city, they leap over the defence line, vaulting the ship over the cloud banks which forever block out the sun. Watch Trinity as they break the clouds, and remember something: this is the first time she has ever seen the sun, the real sun, before. If there is nothing else worth fighting for, not love, not hate, not yourself, not others, not life, not death, not freedom, not security, not perfection, not choice, there is always the Sun. For tens of thousands of years, Man has worshiped it - since we have had sense to look up and wonder, we have worshiped this most reliable of things, this most permanent of things. Life giving, life taking, sunlight. If you fight for nothing else, let it be so your children may run and play freely in the sunlight.

yada pancavatisthante
jnanani manasa saha
buddhis ca na vicestate
tam ahuh paramam gatim

An odd moments notice - the bouncer called Seraph "Wingless" as a deragetory nick name. A wingless angel. Seraph.

When the five senses and the mind are still,
and reason itself rests in silence,
then begins the Path supreme.

And for those of you who think it was wrong for Neo and or Trinity to die - remember, without one, the other could not exist as a whole. They were part of each other, two halves of the whole, unable to be without the other. He made her wish come true once, and I think, I think, he made her second wish come true as well. There were tears running down my face when she said "Kiss me" and all I can hope for is that she died happy, knowing that Neo would be with her soon. She served her purpose for him, and would wait for him in what ever there is beyond the flesh.

bhidyate hrdayagranthis
chidyante sarvasamsayah
ksiyante casya karmani
tasmin drste paravare

And when he is seen in his immanence and transcendence,
then the ties that have bound the heart are unloosened,
the doubts of the mind vanish,
and the law of Karma works no more.

With Trinity gone, there was nothing left for Neo to loose. Thus, and only Thus, could he fight Smith as an equal. "Neodammerung" Neo's Dawn - the battle music of the Fight. But they were still not equals, and that is why Neo won, for he had something Smith did not, even with the incorporation of the Oracle. Neo knew why. Smith did not know why. And for that reason alone, he fought with deparation, to fill that void of understanding. Neo knew why - because he chose to.

The lyrics are from "Neodammerung", Brhadaranyaka Upanisad 1.3.28 Isa Upanisad 11 Mundaka Upanisad 2.2.5 Katha Upanisad 6.7 Katha Upanisad 6.10 and Mundaka Upanisad 2.2.8

So yeah, where to start? Lunar eclipse, KMFDM show, Erik finally meeting people I wanted him to meet for some time, steak and shake, all good.
I'm not really sure what I was expecting, honestly. But it was better in many ways that I thought it would be. Was wonderful to see Erik getting along with, even joking around with, my friends. Yeah, they may be arrogant bastards, but that comes with the territory. Erik made it though all but the last 30 minutes of the show, which we spent out in the breaze way shooting the shit and just sitting, talking, or at least trying to. It was good. I was happy.
After the show, we hit steak and shake, got food, and came home. Erik was exausted, and really, so was I. Neither one of us felt up to the after party, nor that sort of crowd exposure.
So all in all, it was good.
Btw, Damnedsaint - who was the girl? She's cute, whoever she was. Wolven and crew - sorry for vanishing on you like that but I needed air, and out of the crowd, and what not. I just never made it back into the crowd. Its how things go.
Thank you all for the wonderful time, and the great welcome you all gave Erik.
Thank you.

I'm not usually in the habbit of posting jokes here, but this one struck me as very funny.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride. Further down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road and turned the truck on a direct course to hit him. Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest in the truck, I can't run down that lawyer."

So at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the truck driver still heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his mirror and saw the lawyer lying unconscious on the side of the road. Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said, "I'm so sorry Father, I really tried to miss that lawyer."

The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

So KMFDM tonight. Ready to go. Voot.

Four and twenty deadbirds, they bleed upon the nest
There was no time for reason, they had no sign of a threat
Now it's too late, too late for me
This town will eventually take me
Too late, too late for me
This town will win

(spoken)
Through this fog they come along
Dark creatures singing a terrible song
The rest of the bar laughed at him
Only I felt my hope grow dim
They found him dead the very next day
"No more stories from him," I heard them say
We blamed bad luck for his fate
Only I felt terror so great

She and he will know
that someday all things will end

That misty night
That dismal moon
The dead search for their kin
While angels sing, in endless dark
The dead seek out sin
-Joe Romersa, Home Town

Which Eddie Izzard line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Today's fun with German

Haschenmadchen

Bunny Girl

---

You can't run from what you are
You can't hide all the pain
When you look through empty eyes
Night falls and the darkness remains

So I did the gesture of kindness I had considered. I hope it is well recieved.

---

A long weekend a head, but looking forward to it. Going up to Erik's tomorrow, and going to just put the world out of my mind until the KMFDM show Saturday night. Got laundry to do, but other than that, I'm really looking forward to things this weekend. Stuff I should write, and a latin assignment I need to do. But yeah, its gonna be a good weekend.

The bastard Finally confesses.
Gary Leon Ridgway today admitted to being the Green River Killer, responsible for the deaths of 48 young women in the longest serial murder investigation in U.S. history.

Now, I have to clarify something here, so as not to be a hypocrite. This man killed almost 50 (probably more) women not for any reason, but because he could, and enjoyed it.

"My plan was I wanted to kill as many women I thought were prostitutes as I possibly could," he said. "I picked prostitutes as my victims because I hate most prostitutes and I did not want to pay them for sex. I also picked prostitutes for victims because they were easy to pick up without being noticed."

That disgusts me. Kill for food, kill for your mate, kill for your children, kill to protect yourself. Don't kill because you can. No animal kills because it can, and man as an animal should obey those laws of the natural order. Don't kill out of hate, or spite, or anger, or revenge. Don't kill for pleasure, or to cause your victim to suffer.

Man, is an animal. We are nothing more, dispite our brains, and technology. We are but an eyeblink of the earth, and we will be gone in just as short of a time.

My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

.Strange

I woke up in the middle of a dream
surrounded by a million biological machines
but I think that they're all
breaking down

I dreamed last night of hunting a Great Old One, Yog-Sothoth, one of many hunters working towards the same goal. Some of us worked together, but only for a time. One of us would be the One who would kill it, and only one. Impressions of wandering through wood panneled coridors, an old house, Elizabethan style castle, searching for the Old One. It was in the house, somewhere.
I found it, and killed it, though I don't remember how. A yellow puddle of ooze was all that was left. I woke.

so I'm looking for a path that leads beyond this single node
the simple motivation makes my destiny unfold
the reign of these meat machines
growing old

Working, most of the day, on my specimen descriptions. Kangaroos and Wallabies, working on them today, getting the descriptions writen. Turning them in, tomorrow. The professor bitched me out over the last draft, but I just didn't find the problems he said he saw. I guess I'll have to see the results of what he does to this draft. I think he's getting annoyed with me, not sure why though.

(it's so strange to me - but it has to be)

Am I coming to be resented by the graduate students? The whole class? I can feel it, see it in their eyes. Is it just my paranoia, or am I really being that bad? I'm afraid of being seen as pretentious, but I only want to be seen as an intelectual equal by those who I am on par with.

I woke up in the middle of a scream
tearing down the walls of this implemented scene
the answer to a simple question
just out of reach

I want very much right now to do something nice for someone I know who has very little nice in their lives. But its not my place to do such a thing, nor should I really. A small token, something, anything, to see them smile again, like they did the other day. But I have to find a way to do it that doesnt get taken the wrong way, by anyone.
People shouldn't make themselves hurt like they do. There is enough pain already in the world, without inflicting more on yourself out of self loathing.

the smell of plastic wires still burning in my head
seductive siren calls of the ones who want me dead
information is the endless hunger that must be fed
I must be fed.

I got the Tickets today. KMFDM, on the Blood Moon, this weekend. I'm so eager, but I'm not building myself up for anything. No expectations, no plans, nothing. I'm just going to let the event happen, let it be how it is going to be. What happens happens.

(it takes me now for everything that I've got left to give - I'm so happy to give it away it's the reason I have to live)
Once, I gave selflessly to my beloved because I felt I had to. Now I give selflessly because I want to. And its better, its different, its wonderful. Sure, people suck, and I want to kill them for the hurt they cause others. I want to kill them for any number of reasons.

there's something strange happening to me
something is upgrading my biology
there's gonna be a change in the way that you see
and it's coming to a close because
it's happening to me.

I went looking for an answer, to how to make my love happy - and I know the only way I can do it is to try. So I will.

Today's fun with latin.

mortis portalis tackulatum

dead as a door nail

This only works for you LJ peeps, but its interesting.

I'm trying to get all my Livejournal friends' locations plotted on a map - please add your location starting with this form. Username: (Then get your friends to!)

I started the day with a letting of blood.

I cut myself on a can of clam chowder, fairly deeply, on my left pinky at the second joint. It bled bright red, then turned the deep red of dying cells. Thank god for having first aid stuff right on hand.

There are things I haven't talked about, on here, and things I will not talk about on here. But needless to say, my feelings about the treatment of humans by other humans has been on high edge. Today, it ran high, to the point all I could think of was taking out the pain of one person on countless scores of innocent people. But really, they arent Innocent. No one is.

Everyone has been calous to a stranger, been rude to a sales person, complained when it wasn't due. I will never do that again - because I have seen what happens on the other end of that now. And it's time I do something about it.

I'm not a sociopath, but I'll make a great right hand Minion for one - I like the slaughter for a cause. And I'll be right there, katana in hand, to let my share of blood flow for the good of man kind.

Saw Alien today - the full screan beauty that it was meant to be, on an Imax no less.

Ash: You still don't know what you're dealing with do you? Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.
Ripley: You admire it.
Ash: I admire its purity, its sense of survival; unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality.

Really, what else is there that stops us?

The thin times are passed now. Now the world grows thick again, until spring, when the world is at its fullest. Life ebbs and flows like that, you know. But hey.

KMFDM tickets bought. Happy. Next satuday.

Btw, happy birthday, damnedsaint I hope the green lady is treating you well.