On a much better note. My gift haiku from Wolven is here...

Discerned discernment
Books and plans for the future
Academic life

I love it.
Thank you Wolvie

.... I got a D in Finance. I was expecting as much, considering how sick I was for the final. Considering I don't remember the final. I had a good grade going into the final, a B as best I can tell, but it obviously wasnt strong enough to withstand whatever it was I made on the final.
Of course, I got the obligatory "Priorities" speach from my father. No matter that there wasn't anything I could do about being sick. What was worse... like a knife in my academic heart, was hearing my father say he didn't care about my philosophy degree, that it would never make me money. No matter that I'm going to grad school in philosophy, no mater that its wht I love. I don't care that it wolnt make me money. I dont, really, at all care. But he will never understand that. Never.
Now, I'm left searching for how to enrolle over 18 hours of credit for a semester. Its the only way I will graduate on time with both degrees. Part of me just wants to forget about that BBA, just to let it go, and get on with my life. But I can't not after all of this I've been through. I will not be a failure of that magnitude.
All of this, though, on top of the news I got last night, about two dear friends ending their relationship of six years - I now am well on my way down the slope of depression and dispair. The world conspires against us, fate demands a price of flesh and blood for its ministries, and we all must pay it.

Now, I must put all of this from my mind. All of it. Close down those thoughts. And move on. I have cleaning to do, and erands to run, and laundry to fold. And tomorrow is new years. Time to start anew.

So another day without the laptop. My poor shingami. And no sign of my new fan being shipped. Sigh. So now, I'm kicking around on my good ole desktop, Lexx, and realizing just how long overdue my upgrade to it is going to be. It turns out Lexx only has 128 MB of ram. and its SDRAM at that. Gah.

But that's really not what I'm writing about now. What I am writing about, or I suppose better put, what you're reading about, is just the strangeness that times like these have. I have no pattern to my life without classes and work. I slept for over 10 hours today, on and off, from 3am to 3pm, concerned with nothing more than keeping the ballence of warm covers to cool air correct over various parts of my body. On the whole, its strange to be this free floating. I woke, made my bed (a habbit I've developed recently, I have no Idea why), then started to clean. I made some progress, more in organizing the massive stack of stuff in the corner beside my desk than in removing dirt. But, with the stuff out of the floor, I can at least hoover it before I go to bed.

Intermixed with all of this I've been playing Final Fantasy XI. Oh god, once I'm on a system that doesnt die from the memory leak every 30 minutes, that game is going to eat my life. So much depth, so much detail. Its truly a Final Fantasy game. Every NPC says something different, there are thousands of miniquests. I've played for about 4 hours total now, and I still havent left my starting town, let alone killed anything. There is just so much to do. I've decided that my next major adventure will be fishing. That way, I can make some money and buy myself some white mage spells to start off with.

Tomorrow, I clean more, and I may go out shopping. No idea yet. For now, I'm going to watch "The World Is Not Enough" on Spike (fast becoming my third favorite channel on cable), and then go grab dinner with my parents at around 7:30. Time to try a new sushi place. Mmm sushi. Twice in 24 hours. I love it.

The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start, my love...

Shine

I never really feel quite right
I don't know why, all I know is there's something wrong
Every time I look at you, you seem so alive
Tell me how do you do it, walk me through it
I'm following every footstep
Baby on your own you take a cautious step
Do you wanna give it up?

So Christmas, once again, is over. I think I've mentioned before that i extreamly hate Chistmas. Yeah, I do. Time spent around family, walking on eggshells around my parents who are walking on eggshells around their parents. Now replace the eggshells with cowtrips, and thats about how my family time goes. To make matters worse, my Laptop, poor shingami, has killed its cooling fan. So, its dead in the water till I get the replacement I ordered tonight from ebay for $27 bucks, including shipping. In the meantime I'm back on good ole Lexx.
Speaking of Lexx, hes about to get an overhaul in the next few weeks. Part of Christmas was telling my relatives not to get me much in the way of gifts and give me money instead. Now, $400 richer for the ordeal, I'm going to replace the motherboard, processor, video card (second hand from Erik), and RAM. Rip out the guts as it were, and rebuild him, faster, better, stronger. Hopefully I'll be good to go after that. I'm going to aim at using my desktop more, especially if we do end up getting DSL finally.

But all I want is for you to SHINE
Shine down on me
Shine on this life that's burning out

The other high point of my trip through the minefield of the holidays is that I finally, finally got a copy of House of Leaves of my own. Now, about half way through it, I can feel it sinking roots into my brain, along with all the other things I read during the trip. Namely, Susan Sontag's Regarding the Pain of Others. A book examining how photography influences our views on war and suffering, it was a very interesting foray into a world of work that I dont read much, but do enjoy. Thanks, Joe, great gift. It ties in really well with much of the photography and film analysis in House of Leaves, on a very interesting level. At least to me.

I say a lot of things sometimes that don't come out right
And I act like I don't know why
I guess a reaction is all I was looking for
You looked through me, you really knew me like no one has EVER looked before
Baby on your own you take a cautious step
Do you wanna give it up?

So I got Final Fantasy XI as well. Damn, thats going to eat my life for a while. I finally got around to canceling my DAOC accounts. Glad of it. Now, just time to loose myself in some other world. Rocking in my chair, dreaming. I've got the start of what would be a great graphic novella in my head, but no way to visualize it properly. A western woman who becomes a demon hunter in Japan. All the demons she encounters are nothing compared to having to get by as a woman in the traditional eastern world, not to mention being American, though she has lived in Japan for many years now. I thought it would be good. Ah well.

But all I want is for you to SHINE
Shine down on me
Shine on this life that's burning out

I know, I know, girl you got something

SHINE (shine it on to me)
Shine down on me (I wanna feel it)
Shine on this life that's burning out

Now, sitting at home, at last, listening to the Hellsing Ruins soundtrack, in particular track ten, Shi-Kuretto Karuma Serenade. About to light a shitload of insence, curl up, and vanish into the sweet smelling abyss of the darkness. I'm tired, but I know i wolnt be able to sleep. Ideas drift like cobwebs broken loose from the corners of my mind, falling onto surfaces. Ripples as a fish stirs under still, dark water. The heater is on, the electric blanket is on. Warmth, darkness, night, sleep.

Lyrics - Shine, Hellsing ending theme

Edit: I just had it pointed out to me, and rightly so, that the above is way too focused on all the negative shit thats happend to me lately. There has been allot of good stuff too. Namely, a wonderful trip to SC with Erik, where I got to spend some very nice quality time with him. Lots of fun. I also got the Hellsing and Cowboy Bebop cds - all very cool. Erik is good to me. Speaking of, today was very nice. After driving back from Asheville, my parents dropped me off at Eriks place under the pretense of working on my computer - which I did do. However, the time was much better spent in other engagements. Mmmmmm. Happy nessus.

Happy Festivus, everyone.

I'm going to sit here in the corner and be very quiet, and it will all go away. Yep. All go away.

Set me aflame and cast me free.
Away, you wretched world of tethers.
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
before the faceless name of justice.
Like some law unto myself,
like a child of God again.
- VNV Nation, Solitary

So I'm alive. Yeah. In the middle of finals, litterally. One more today, and then one due Friday. Then I'm done for the semester. No idea if I've passed everything I needed to. At this point, I dont really care, honestly.

But the cold is slowly going away. And I'm alive.

You are Sir Didymus!! A Fearless and valiant
warrior who will fight to the death if you feel
strongly enough about it. Your friends rate
you very highly and so they should because you
are a loyal and wonderful person.


"Which 'Labyrinth' Character are you?"
brought to you by Quizilla

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If you would like to go to the trouble of decoding this, please, do. I wolnt say how, though.

So its down to the wire. My first final paper was due today - my last one, strangely enough in the same class, is due on the 19th. Between now and then I have to write a paper, take 5 online quizes, give a presentation, and take five exams - not to mention finishing my grad school aplications.
Given all of this, I may be absent for some time from this blog and posting to it, in the next few weeks.

So I dreamed quite a bit last night. Very clear, vivid dreams, of spending time with the people I usually am around on Mondays and Wens. Sitting at a table, in the quad, which was no longer the quad, but a wooden porch in a forest in early autuem. We are drinking, mostly absinthe, but also sake, gin and vermooth, in various mixtures. A one of the people gets hassled by a female cop, in a nice sort of way. Later, we are all hastled by a male cop, who takes our sake, and goes somewhere inside (even though there is no inside anywhere to go to). We bitch about it for awhile, and then the dream shifts
I'm at home, still with the same people, having to sneak them into my house through a window, that evening. The night spent talking, watching movies, etc. Then in the morning having to keep them hidden from my parents, until we can get out the window again. Images of pouring grenadine into a bottle, before I get into my car to go to campus.

Then I wake, with my cat wedged between me and my body pillow, purring loudly. She's such a sweety.

O, care, feathers
spread wide wings of white
dream in flight
a thousand butterfly wings
a snowstorm of scales
a myriad of reflections
prismatic facits
and dance the flakes
of fairy wings
eldrich glow of daylight
this is the contortion
of realities into
the knots of space time

Today's poetry. Enjoy.

So. Nearly everyone has gone to sleep for the night. I should soon as well. Strange how it is. I finished a paper and a presentation over the weekend. I have another paper to write (the one for the presentation) by Wens. About 6 quizes to do online for Finance, by Friday. Then finals time. Its that time of year.
Amid all of this, I have to finish my Grad school applications, and mail them out by the end of the semester, to get them to the departments by Jan 1st. Yeah. On a good note, my third take of the GRE went far better than either of the others. 1380. Wow. Quite happy with myself.
I was at Barnes and Noble today, for a group meeting, and I bought myself two manga, to read, and inspire me. The first one, Demon Diary, was sort of good, but the one I'm reading now, Mars, is just damned good. Two outsiders, in high school, and all the things that happen around them. Its a beautiful story, and the art is wonderful. Anyone up for some good manga, its by Fuyumi Soryo, and its quite well written.
So thats it, for tonight. Dream well, folks.

Its amazing. My mother is possibly the least apt verbal communicator I have ever known. She sends me this threatening sounding email earlier today, basicly saying to me "YOU WILL BE HOME THIS WEEKEND" when in fact she was asking if I would be home this weekend or not.
So all that undue stress over nothing. Sheesh.

On a more serious note. What the fuck. Things like this are only supposed to happen here in the deep ole ignint south. A seventh-grade social studies Teacher in Presque Isle, ME, sues school district over limits on history curriculum, claiming he was barred from teaching about non-Christian civilizations.

What
The
Fuck

I had a good weekend planned. I really did. Sure, I have a lot of stuff to do, like writing two papers and working on grad school aplications, and taking my GRE tomorrow, but I was going to do all of that at Erik's place this weekend.
Not so, says my mother. I am to stay home, work on applications, and anything else I have to do. Oh yes, and take the GRE friday, and go to a group meeting for my Marketing class Sunday. So, I have to scrap all my plans. Great. This, after having to scrap my plans for Thanksgiving weekend at her request, and getting bitched out by my father for not spending Thanksgiving at home, but instead at Erik's place because I had been invited up for the holiday.
This comes as a blow especially because I was looking forward to this weekend for a number of reasons, the least of which being spending relaxing time around Erik and being able to do work without the interuption my mother will inevitably cause every 30 minutes to every hour and a half.
Nothing good comes of telling my parents I have things to do for school/grad school/etc. They seem to think I am incapable of working anywhere but at home, which is far from true. If anything I work better everywhere else - especially at Erik's or on campus somewhere.
Arguing against it, however, is pointless, as once my mother has her mind made up, getting her to change it is worse than trying to pull the teeth out of a tiger without using a sedative. You are more than likely to come away with less than you had going in, so be grateful for what little you get and get on with it. Even if you are miserable.

Today, 113 years ago, Capt. Morehouse of the Dei Gratia discovered a sight that would unnerve even the most salty of sailors: the abandoned, yet completely in tact, Mary Celeste, adrift in the mid Atlantic. The ship showed no sign of damage, nor of hasty abandonment. Half smoked pipes were found in the gallley, oilskin boots were at their owners bunks, and even the sewing machine in the captians cabin stood ready to be used, its needle threaded and raised, as if waiting for cloth. On board there was no sign of struggle, no evidence of violence, and, most importantly, no sign of the eleven people who had been her passengers and crew: the captian, Benjamin Briggs, his wife, toddler daughter, and the eight seamen who sailed with him were gone without a trace.
The only evidence present at all, in fact, was that the ship was soaked through. Every surface, the bunks, floors, carpets, everything, were wet. One of the two water pumps was found to be broken, and the forward hatch had been left open and was filled with water. Gone too were the sextant, navigation book, ships register, and the main life boat. From this, along with a broken rope found dangling over the side of the ship, the Board of Inquiry concluded that the Mary Celeste had encountered rough seas and storm, and her crew and passangers had fled to the life boat, leaving it tied to the ship, until the line had broken. Inevitably, the small life boat was swallowed by the swells, leaving no trace.
But is this the real answer? Though many have theorized, no one knows for sure what the fate of those men and women really was. Sometimes reality is stranger than the supernatural.

Well, in posts past you have heard mention of my new cat, Kinky. She is now offically an inside cat, with her own litter, and as such has permanently taken up resedence in my heart. Currently, she is asleep on my bed, in a pile of my shirts and socks. The cute is so much it hurts. But yes, shes now offically moved into our life.
Here she is.

This one is a bit dark, but its also good.

you are teal #008080

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

On that note, if I had anything to write about today, I would write about it now. Maybe later.

This, inspired by "The Train Man Cometh" and various thoughts and ramblings.
The doors hiss shut with the sigh of dying hydraulics, closing in once again this steel tube of existence. How is it possible, I find myself wondering, that such a place as this manages to so well capture of the nature of the obligatory but hollow city above it. Down here, down in the dark, this is where the flavor of the city lives, where its life’s blood drips as the city above bakes in the sunlight, and congeals to form that stock which is the city its self, in all its aspects.
I have ridden on the strangely antiseptic but well used trains of outer Vienna, as well as on their Victorian slum loving brothers who guard the ringstraβ and the city center. I have seen the strange beasts which haunt the dark layers of DC, the many colored worms of the New York lines, even the strange above ground wonders of San Francisco. I have even, despite my better judgment, been in the depths of the tope and pastel world that is my local transit authority’s vision of hell, the two line wonder that is MARTA.
But no matter what system, no matter where I am, I can wake on any train and know distinctly what city I am in. Without the cue of language, without the clues of context, the very radiation of place tells me, deep within my bones, that I am on the Underground, or on the famous L, or even in some god forsaken rapid rail with a euro card, about to be boarded by the ubiquitous AK toting border patrols.
There is a smell unique to each, and even those I have spent bare moments on, I remember the smell as almost a part of the place its self. The lighting, the flicker, the sparks, the advertisements, all of it an atmosphere, and above all, the people which fill the cars, these are the essences of the underground. From the rotting bums to the bored business traveler, to the every day commuter who knows each bump on the tracks by heart, even the tourists. They all add their flavor to the mix.
And that is how it is. A train is a way of getting from one place to another, yes, but is a way through space and time as well. And sometimes, we find ourselves at an unmarked station with no exists, and no train coming for hours. And that is simply how it has to be. Because no matter how long we have to wait, the train will come.