And the wheels are turning, turning
For the finger points at me

All's well
But I have not been to Oxford Town
All's well
No I have not been to Oxford Town

Toll the bell
Pay the private eye
All's well
20th century dies

Welcome to 2004. It came in wonderfully, with Kubrick, brei and crackers, a wonderful dinner, and great sex. A wonderful evening spent with Erik. I needed nothing else.

On a much better note. My gift haiku from Wolven is here...

Discerned discernment
Books and plans for the future
Academic life

I love it.
Thank you Wolvie

.... I got a D in Finance. I was expecting as much, considering how sick I was for the final. Considering I don't remember the final. I had a good grade going into the final, a B as best I can tell, but it obviously wasnt strong enough to withstand whatever it was I made on the final.
Of course, I got the obligatory "Priorities" speach from my father. No matter that there wasn't anything I could do about being sick. What was worse... like a knife in my academic heart, was hearing my father say he didn't care about my philosophy degree, that it would never make me money. No matter that I'm going to grad school in philosophy, no mater that its wht I love. I don't care that it wolnt make me money. I dont, really, at all care. But he will never understand that. Never.
Now, I'm left searching for how to enrolle over 18 hours of credit for a semester. Its the only way I will graduate on time with both degrees. Part of me just wants to forget about that BBA, just to let it go, and get on with my life. But I can't not after all of this I've been through. I will not be a failure of that magnitude.
All of this, though, on top of the news I got last night, about two dear friends ending their relationship of six years - I now am well on my way down the slope of depression and dispair. The world conspires against us, fate demands a price of flesh and blood for its ministries, and we all must pay it.

Now, I must put all of this from my mind. All of it. Close down those thoughts. And move on. I have cleaning to do, and erands to run, and laundry to fold. And tomorrow is new years. Time to start anew.

So another day without the laptop. My poor shingami. And no sign of my new fan being shipped. Sigh. So now, I'm kicking around on my good ole desktop, Lexx, and realizing just how long overdue my upgrade to it is going to be. It turns out Lexx only has 128 MB of ram. and its SDRAM at that. Gah.

But that's really not what I'm writing about now. What I am writing about, or I suppose better put, what you're reading about, is just the strangeness that times like these have. I have no pattern to my life without classes and work. I slept for over 10 hours today, on and off, from 3am to 3pm, concerned with nothing more than keeping the ballence of warm covers to cool air correct over various parts of my body. On the whole, its strange to be this free floating. I woke, made my bed (a habbit I've developed recently, I have no Idea why), then started to clean. I made some progress, more in organizing the massive stack of stuff in the corner beside my desk than in removing dirt. But, with the stuff out of the floor, I can at least hoover it before I go to bed.

Intermixed with all of this I've been playing Final Fantasy XI. Oh god, once I'm on a system that doesnt die from the memory leak every 30 minutes, that game is going to eat my life. So much depth, so much detail. Its truly a Final Fantasy game. Every NPC says something different, there are thousands of miniquests. I've played for about 4 hours total now, and I still havent left my starting town, let alone killed anything. There is just so much to do. I've decided that my next major adventure will be fishing. That way, I can make some money and buy myself some white mage spells to start off with.

Tomorrow, I clean more, and I may go out shopping. No idea yet. For now, I'm going to watch "The World Is Not Enough" on Spike (fast becoming my third favorite channel on cable), and then go grab dinner with my parents at around 7:30. Time to try a new sushi place. Mmm sushi. Twice in 24 hours. I love it.

The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start, my love...

Shine

I never really feel quite right
I don't know why, all I know is there's something wrong
Every time I look at you, you seem so alive
Tell me how do you do it, walk me through it
I'm following every footstep
Baby on your own you take a cautious step
Do you wanna give it up?

So Christmas, once again, is over. I think I've mentioned before that i extreamly hate Chistmas. Yeah, I do. Time spent around family, walking on eggshells around my parents who are walking on eggshells around their parents. Now replace the eggshells with cowtrips, and thats about how my family time goes. To make matters worse, my Laptop, poor shingami, has killed its cooling fan. So, its dead in the water till I get the replacement I ordered tonight from ebay for $27 bucks, including shipping. In the meantime I'm back on good ole Lexx.
Speaking of Lexx, hes about to get an overhaul in the next few weeks. Part of Christmas was telling my relatives not to get me much in the way of gifts and give me money instead. Now, $400 richer for the ordeal, I'm going to replace the motherboard, processor, video card (second hand from Erik), and RAM. Rip out the guts as it were, and rebuild him, faster, better, stronger. Hopefully I'll be good to go after that. I'm going to aim at using my desktop more, especially if we do end up getting DSL finally.

But all I want is for you to SHINE
Shine down on me
Shine on this life that's burning out

The other high point of my trip through the minefield of the holidays is that I finally, finally got a copy of House of Leaves of my own. Now, about half way through it, I can feel it sinking roots into my brain, along with all the other things I read during the trip. Namely, Susan Sontag's Regarding the Pain of Others. A book examining how photography influences our views on war and suffering, it was a very interesting foray into a world of work that I dont read much, but do enjoy. Thanks, Joe, great gift. It ties in really well with much of the photography and film analysis in House of Leaves, on a very interesting level. At least to me.

I say a lot of things sometimes that don't come out right
And I act like I don't know why
I guess a reaction is all I was looking for
You looked through me, you really knew me like no one has EVER looked before
Baby on your own you take a cautious step
Do you wanna give it up?

So I got Final Fantasy XI as well. Damn, thats going to eat my life for a while. I finally got around to canceling my DAOC accounts. Glad of it. Now, just time to loose myself in some other world. Rocking in my chair, dreaming. I've got the start of what would be a great graphic novella in my head, but no way to visualize it properly. A western woman who becomes a demon hunter in Japan. All the demons she encounters are nothing compared to having to get by as a woman in the traditional eastern world, not to mention being American, though she has lived in Japan for many years now. I thought it would be good. Ah well.

But all I want is for you to SHINE
Shine down on me
Shine on this life that's burning out

I know, I know, girl you got something

SHINE (shine it on to me)
Shine down on me (I wanna feel it)
Shine on this life that's burning out

Now, sitting at home, at last, listening to the Hellsing Ruins soundtrack, in particular track ten, Shi-Kuretto Karuma Serenade. About to light a shitload of insence, curl up, and vanish into the sweet smelling abyss of the darkness. I'm tired, but I know i wolnt be able to sleep. Ideas drift like cobwebs broken loose from the corners of my mind, falling onto surfaces. Ripples as a fish stirs under still, dark water. The heater is on, the electric blanket is on. Warmth, darkness, night, sleep.

Lyrics - Shine, Hellsing ending theme

Edit: I just had it pointed out to me, and rightly so, that the above is way too focused on all the negative shit thats happend to me lately. There has been allot of good stuff too. Namely, a wonderful trip to SC with Erik, where I got to spend some very nice quality time with him. Lots of fun. I also got the Hellsing and Cowboy Bebop cds - all very cool. Erik is good to me. Speaking of, today was very nice. After driving back from Asheville, my parents dropped me off at Eriks place under the pretense of working on my computer - which I did do. However, the time was much better spent in other engagements. Mmmmmm. Happy nessus.