I keep sitting down to write this blog, but nothing ever feels right to say. A lot has happend since I last posted (note that the previous post was my 500th post), but I simply can never seem to sit down and put it into words. So now I'm going to try to, and if it doesnt come out right, so be it.
As many of you know, there has been an ever increasing tension in my life between my parents and my self, over the subject of Erik. Neither of them like him, and hes come to pretty much dislike them to an extent where he refuses to come to my place when they are home, or go anywhere where they will be. Well, the issue had gotten worse in regards to where I would live during my first year of grad school. My mother wanted me to live in Athens, Erik wanted me to live with him. I wanted to live with Erik, and wasn't wild about living in Athens, surounded by frat boys and football fans.
But I couldn't bring myself to talk to my parents about it. The few times I tried, they dismissed my fears and uncomfortable feelings as nerves, and told me all the great reasons for living in Athens, none of which meant anything to me. So after having looked at apartments, and looked around Athens, I made up my mind to talk to my parents.
What a disaster.
I never thought my father would be the rational one in that covnersation. After having heard my mother scream at me that I was a failure and was throwing everything away, having had my own laundry hamper thrown at me by her, and all but thrown out of the hosue right then and there, the only thing I could think of was how to make it all stop.
I gave in. I signed a lease in Athens for a year, at a complex about 5 min walk from campus. So I have an
apartment there.
Yet now I have all the guilt and shame of having given in to my parents yet again, this time on one of the biggest issues of my life, and only confirmed Erik's beleif that I am hopelessly controled by them. And I am. I have to admit it. I am.
It seems I spend my entire life trying to prove people wrong about me, and all i end up doing is confirming their beleifs in me as a failure and a slacker.
I start Grad School in three weeks. I move in two. I graduate in one. And no matter these acomplishments, all I am is a failure, because I fail over and over in doing the three things I want to do the most: give Erik as good a life as he deserves, proving myself an academic sucess, and making my parents proud of me.
And that's my life.
Edit: I will say that, beyond hating my parents, which is a perfectly rational thing given how they have treated him, Erik has been infinitely supporting of this. Even to the point of possibly moving in with me in the future. But I still feel like I've let him down, even if he doesn't think I have. I'm not sure what I would have done if he had not been willing to yeild on his position. I never wanted to live in athens, but I think it may be tollerable with his emotional support.
